Absolutely Fabulous

Last Saturday, the Fab 30s and 40s group from G4M had their Christmas party. As part of the event, their members, who wouldn't normally cross-dress, got into women's clothes and competed against each other in a sort-of Miss Gay pageant which they called Fab Diva of the Night. As the organizer of G4M's Next Top Model, they invited me to be one of their judges, and of course I accepted.

I had a blast! There were around 20 men who participated, and even as women they looked really gorgeous. Some others who weren't part of the competition still came in drag, and they were really pretty too. I was amazed because some of them even had their gowns tailor-made, and they mostly did their own make-up.

My co-judge was Mitoy, a film and ad producer (my type, but I guess I wasn't his, hehe), and we chose the Top 5. We chose Prince Dane who was in a Lord of the Rings fairy-inspired costume, Bulldozer who looked like Catherine Zeta Jones in an Oprah-esque gown, Chase who looked like Korea's representative at this year's Miss Universe, Sandstorm who looked like he had been doing drag for a while, and Leoshine who was in a Dreamgirls-inspired gown with an Afro. After a non-serious Q&A, Leoshine won.

After the competition, most of the contestants got out of costume and put on guys clothes again. Some of them still looked gorgeous. I also got a chance to finally meet and chat with someone of the people from G4M-NTM who I hadn't met previously. One of the models from G4M-NTM Cycle 3, _uno_, had a dance number, which he did in drag, and he was really good. I also met Ellis and SayNo, co-judges, and mycomic, one of the Cycle 3's Top 4. I swear, mycomic looks so much like Rica Peralejo in person.

After the party, I went straight to Malate. It was a slow night. Didn't get much action, except for this one semi-cute guy who kept rubbing my butt with his. I would've asked him what his name was, but I didn't bother cuz he wasn't all that. Plus since he was rubbing my butt with his butt, so he was probably a bottom anyway. If he were a top, he would've turned around after a few minutes and started dry humping me. So it wasn't worth the effort.

That's all.

I Heard Love Is Blind

Oh my God I've found the perfect song that describes the way that I'm feeling. My last entry was all about how I've decided that cheating on Vince wouldn't be so bad after all, and today I heard Amy Winehouse's song "I Heard Love Is Blind" for the very first time. It's about this woman who cheats on her man and she justifies it by saying it wasn't really cheating because she was thinking about him while she was fucking the other guy. I can relate because everytime I think about having sex with someone else (like last Saturday with Deo), I end up comparing the guy I'm fantasizing about to Vince. Either that or I end up wishing it was Vince who was fucking me instead. As the song says, I'm sure Vince wouldn't want me to be lonely... but I know he'd be pissed off if he found out it was someone else fucking me and not him.

I couldn't resist him
His eyes were like yours
His hair was exactly the shade of brown
He's just not as tall, but I couldn't tell
It was dark and I was lying down

You are everything – he means nothing to me
I can't even remember his name
Why're you so upset?
Baby, you weren't there and I was thinking of you when I came

What do you expect?
You left me here alone; I drank so much and needed to touch
Don't overreact – I pretended he was you
You wouldn't want me to be lonely

How can I put it so you understand?
I didn't let him hold my hand
But he looked like you; I guess he looked like you
No he wasn't you
But you can still trust me, this ain't infidelity
It's not cheating; you were on my mind

Yes he looked like you
But I heard love is blind...

I'd honestly rather not cheat on him. I still think that cheating in general is wrong. Just maybe not with him.

Sexual Rebirth

My sex life has been relatively quiet (if not silent) in the past few months, and that's why I haven't been able to update this blog as often as I would have liked. Last week though, things started picking up again, and so I'm back. Hopefully the momentum won't die down.

First of all, before anything else, Vince and I don't go out anymore. The last time I had sex was in April, and the last time we had sex together was in February. In February the sex wasn't even all that, and the last time I enjoyed having sex with Vince was early last year. These past few months, it's always me who seems to be asking for sex first. Needless to say, my sex life has been shit, and Romi's been pissing me off about it. That's all about to change soon though, with or without Vince. I have never cheated on him, but since he doesn't seem to be interested in having sex with me anymore, then screw fidelity.

I went online on MIRC last Wednesday for the first time in months and I met a guy named Sean. He looked semi-hot, and lucky for me apparently he didn't think I was that bad either. He wanted to meet right away, and I just got off work so I was like hey if you want to meet now I still have to go home and clean up but if you want we can just exchange numbers and meet another time. He said fine let's just meet this weekend and by the way would it be ok if my friend joined us. I said yeah sure but I have to tell you I'm pure bottom so that limits us a bit would that be ok. He said yeah it's not a problem. And so we set a date for Saturday evening.

Saturday afternoon. Sean texts and asks if I'm free early evening. I said sure, and then I went out of the house to prepare. I got a haircut and bought some nice clothes and new shoes. When I got home I took a bath, douched, etc. In the evening, Sean still hadn't texted, but it wasn't a big deal cuz I was planning to go to Malate anyway, so if Sean and his friend had already found someone else then what the hell I was going to find someone too.

Later that night I was on my way to Malate, and when I rode a jeep on Taft there was a cute guy next to me. He seemed to be busy, so I spent most of the ride flirting with the guy opposite me -- who wasn't all that hot but what the fuck I was horny and not very choosy. The cute guy got off the jeep at Remedios, a street before Nakpil which is where I was going to get off, so I though what the hell I'll get off too and if we end up walking in the same direction then great something might happen. But no. He went in the other direction so whatever I went on my way to Nakpil.

Just before I got to Nakpil, someone grabbed my arm. I didn't think anything of it, and at first I thought it was Tom (my friend and co-organizer of G4M's Next Top Model), cuz only someone you know would grab your arm right. But no. I was being mugged. Soon the guy had his left hand over my mouth and his right hand had a knife which he was holding close to my chest. He asked for my phone and I gave it right away cuz hell I never really liked that phone anyway. He also asked for my cash, and I gave him the 40 pesos that was in my left pocket. Of course I had way more than that, but the rest of my money was in my socks and he didn't press the issue cuz I guess he saw how crap my phone was and assumed I really was poor. After I gave him the cash he let go of me and told me to run. And I did.

I probably should have been more traumatized than I was, and I have to admit that in the moment the knife and his voice freaked me out a bit, but a few minutes after he let go of me my first reaction was to smirk and laugh a bit. Like I said, my phone was crap and he just gave me an excuse to buy a new one. All he got was 40 pesos, and he didn't even ask for more. In way, he didn't really get much from me, and except for the scratch from where the knife pressed into my chest, I escaped with very little being taken from me. I was lucky. And I wasn't going to let that small hiccup ruin what was going to be a fabulous night.

So when I got to Malate I looked for Tom and my other G4M-NTM friends. I couldn't see where they were right away, so I ordered a beer and stayed outside Chelu for a bit. When I went back inside I finally saw Mother Domeng, KC and Chris and hung out with them for a while. Domeng and I are similar in the sense that we go to Malate not really to pick men up, but really more than anything to dance. If men pick us up then fine, but if not so what cuz all we really wanted to do was dance anyway.

Of course, having said that, dancing in a bar in Malate means that inevitably you'll be rubbing body parts with hot strangers, and that's what happened to me. I was just minding my own business, dancing like I was the only one there on the floor, when in comes in this hot manly man with huge muscles a tight tshirt and an i'm-tired-i-just-wanna-go-home-and-fuck-some-pretty-young-thing look on his face. He stood at the bar right next to where I was. At first we were both looking in other directions, pretending not to see each other checking each other out. Then it became more difficult to ignore each other because there were more people going into the bar than there were going out, and in no time the crowd was pressing us into each other.

At first I was still like ok whatever you're hot but I'm here to dance so even if we were touching already I was still dancing and grooving to the music. But then he looked me in the eye, smiled, and scratched my tummy. Of course I smiled back. I moved next to him and we held hands. I swear, even at the first touch I was already feeling really loose and limp cuz he was so fucking hot. His hands were warm, a little rough, and huge. I asked him what his name was. He said it was Deo. I said hi I'm Josef. I can't remember what we talked about after, but I do remember that I started dancing again, and while I was dancing he started massaging my lower back with his fingers. I swear, if he wanted me right then and there I was going to give in. But for whatever reason a few minutes later he left the bar and didn't come back.

OK fine. Call me slow. Even though I kinda knew that that was my signal to leave the bar with him so we could fuck the night away in some god-forsaken motel, he never explicitly said he wanted me to go with him, and I didn't want to assume anything. Also, I was with Domeng, and I didn't want to leave him abruptly. So I stayed in the bar and danced, which is what I was having fun doing anyway. Naturally I spent the rest of the night thinking what the fuck I'm such an idiot I should have just left with him and gotten laid. I saw him outside the bar a few hours later but it seemed he had already picked someone else up. Fuck.

Oh well. The rest of the night I was so high on his touch, the lights, the music, and the cigarette smoke that my head was feeling really light. I still had a great time though. I hope Deo is still around when I get back to Malate this Saturday. If not him then some other hot man.

So that was it for Saturday. The only other thing I did was meet up with some people from G4M's Next Top Model, but the meeting didn't last long. Plus I'm not part of G4M-NTM anymore, though that's an entirely different story. On Sunday I bought a new phone, set a new date with Sean, and masturbated to the memory of Deo's touch.

Until next time.

Murder She Dreamt

For the past two nights, my dreams have been about murders. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll look it up on the net when I get to the office.

Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was a clairvoyant, and I was telling this mother that her son died because of a hate crime. He was white, and was involved in a porno ring that exploited black women. All I can remember now is that while I was walking up the stairs I saw images of and orgy of black women being fucked by white men while they were being videotaped.

Last night I had another dream about murder, but this time there were a lot more people murdered. There was a serial killer who going around this office (or whatever that building was) and he was mutilating the people I knew. An investigation was ongoing, and I vaguely remember writing notes of what I remembered or what I had envisioned in a black notebook. At one point I was also walking up the stairs.

The weird thing is that in both of my dreams I was some kind of psychic who could see the murders as they had happened. I could also see the ghosts of the people who had been murdered, and in fact some of them were even talking to me.

Hmmm. I hope the dreams were a positive sign of something. I know that climbing up stairs is a positive sign of advancement. I'm not sure what murder and clairvoyancy means though.

Ugly-Beautiful

I met someone really really sweet last Friday. His name was Deejay. He messaged me on G4M, and asked if I was free to meet that night. I wasn't sure if he was my type based on the pic in his profile, but I thought what the hell might as well meet him anyway. And so I agreed to meet him later that evening in Guadalupe.

I think I need to back-track a bit and explain that I was feeling in a really good mood that day. I double-shifted the night before, so by Friday afternoon I was done with work for the week. I dunno if it was because of lack of sleep, but while walking on the street going to my house, I noticed the street was extra shiny. It was like little bits of glass were in the asphalt, and the effect was that with every step I took it was like I was walking on rainbows. It was very pretty, in an ugly-beautiful kinda way. It was a great start to the day.

When I got to Guadalupe, after my long nap, I waited for a while at Jollibee before Deejay arrived. While waiting, I saw Bon, the first guy I ever met through chat. He was a really nice guy, although I was pretty sure he wouldn't remember me, even though he worked at PeopleSupport for a bit. I didn't say hi, but all the same I took that as another positive sign.

So Deejay arrived after around an hour. He turned out to be cuter than his pic, which is rare. We had to take a jeep to his place, and he paid, which is also rare. We chatted for a bit, but were mostly quiet during the trip. He had his arm over one of my legs, and that felt nice.

When we got to his house, it turned out that his aunt had just arrived, so we couldn't go in just yet. We had to go sit somewhere for a while, and that's where we got to know each other a little bit. I have to admit, I don't normally like getting to know my hook-ups, cuz if I find out more about them I inevitably begin falling for them, and I didn't want to fall for anyone just yet. But all the same we talked.

Sob stories are my biggest turn on. Ever since Rolly took me to Manila Bay to tell me about his family and what he wanted to accomplish for them, I've fallen easily for men who've had to go through so much. Vince was an orphan with lots going against him. And this time, Deejay had his own drama as well.

Deejay was an orphan too. He was an illegitimate child, and didn't get to see his Dad that often because his Dad was with his first family. His Mom had died when he was 4 years old, and ever since he had lived with his Mom's family. For some reason though, while he was telling the story he didn't seem all that sad anymore, so I was safe. Sob story, yes; falling for the drama, no.

As far as relationships were concerned, he had also just broken up, and also around the same time that Vince and I broke up. His longest relationship was one that lasted 4 months, although it was really a 2-month relationship cuz for the last 2 months he barely saw the guy he was with at the time. That wasn't a good sign, but I didn't care. I wasn't looking for a relationship anyway.

After around half an hour, we went back to his place and his aunt was asleep. We went to the back of the house and I started to blow him. I know this is bad, but I have to say that he had the weirdest penis I had ever had sex with. It was thick, but even though it was hard it still looked flaccid. It wouldn't go up. It was permanently down, and it was bent. He was also the hairiest guy I've ever had sex with, and it was weird having to dig down beneath hair just to find his nipple.

Still, he seemed nice, so I thought whatever I'll just get this over with. And then he started stroking my cheeks while I was blowing him. While he was looking down at me, I swear he had a loving kind of look. I thought that it was sweet of him to do that, and the only other guy who's done that for me is Vince. The sweetest thing though was that after we were done having sex, we spent like half an hour just kissing and hugging. I missed being able to just cuddle. It was so sweet that I'm not kidding, I almost cried while we were making out.

So there. Even though he had a weird penis, I still thought that was the best sex I had in a long, long time. We're planning to see each other again sometime this week. I know it's not going to progress into a relationship, but for now it'll have to do. At least someone is making me happy again.

I'll never say goodbye...

For the first time since we broke up, Vince finally wanted to meet. I didn't know how I would act or what I would do if we met, but to meet him again was what I had been wanting for the longest time, so I agreed to see him.

He texted me at around 3pm saying he wanted to meet and talk with me. I knew that could only mean that he wanted to borrow money from me, and I didn't have that much to lend him. But still, I kept thinking that this was my chance to finally say what I wanted to say to him, so I said ok we can meet but let's meet somewhere other than at PeopleSupport. I still haven't told everyone that Vince and I have broken up, so I didn't want any awkward situations to happen.

We still met at PS, but didn't stay there for long, cuz he needed to get something from his old office. We started walking. It was weird seeing him again for the first time in a long time. I wasn't angry at him, and he seemed calm. He asked how I had been doing, and I said I was adjusting. Adjusting to what, he asked. I said that I was wasn't used to the situation I was in. He didn't reply.

He said that he was now working for another call center, RMH, and was in training. He also said that he was planning to move to somewhere nearer to his new office, probably with one of his friends. I told him again what I had been telling him for a while, that while he didn't have a steady income it didn't make sense for him to live on his own just yet. He didn't argue.

When we got to his old office, he went inside to get whatever he needed to get, and I stayed outside. That's the only time I started to tear up. It was the first I had cried since we broke up. I started thinking about the past 3 weeks, what had been happening to us. Now that I finally got the chance to see him, it dawned on me that we had really broken up. And because things seemed to be going smoothly, I also started to miss him.

It didn't take him long before he came out of the office. We started walking again. I wasn't sure where we were going, but he said earlier that he wanted to eat, so I thought we were going to some restaurant. The direction that we were heading in was also the way to a park we had gone to several years ago, so I thought maybe we'd be heading there too. It didn't really matter though. The point is we were together, and neither of us was angry or bitter.

Finally he told me why he had wanted to see me. He had passed the application stage of an overseas employment agency, and now needed to submit 20k in order to leave the country. He asked if I had at least half that amount. He'd been asking me to sponsor his leaving the country for sometime already, and I had always said no before, not because I didn't want him to leave me but because I knew he wouldn't be able to afford his medicine if he had to buy it in another country. But now that he couldn't afford his medicine here either, it wouldn't matter if he worked abroad. I was fine with him leaving, but I really didn't have anything to give him. I told him that if he wanted to work abroad, he'd just have to save up the money he needed in order to leave, so it was important the he not lose the job he had found.

After I said that I couldn't give him anything, he stayed quiet and we continued walking. I still had no idea where we were heading, although eventually I figured we were headed for the MRT. I didn't mind walking with him there, since I didn't have anything to do at work anyway. We were both kinda quiet, and it was a bit awkward. But at least we were together.

Since it was the first time I had seen him since all hell had broken loose and since we broke up, I had so many questions I wanted to ask him. I wanted to ask if all the things he had told me were true. I wanted to ask how he could have said so many hurtful things to me, after all we had been through. I wanted to ask if he ever really loved me. But I couldn't bring myself to ask him any of those things. I kept quiet, cuz I didn't want to spoil the moment. It still didn't feel like the right time to bring those topics up. And honestly, I didn't need to know the answers right then and there.

Somewhere while we were walking, he started softly singing Martin Nievera's song "The Promise". Before Vince and I became lovers, back when I was desperately looking for someone to help me get over my first boyfriend, I told myself that the first guy who sang something to me would be my next boyfriend. On a friendly date one time, while we were walking along the streets of Malate, Vince sang that song to me. Back then, that was my sign that he was the one. Now, it was my sign that we had come full circle, and that it was over.

While he was singing, I found it difficult to walk without crying. I was trying not to cry in front of him, cuz I didn't want our meeting to end sad. At the same time though, since he started singing I couldn't help but remember how great it was when we first got together, before all the drama started, back when we just enjoyed being together.

I tried to get my mind off missing him, and I started talking about how I heard that RMH was a great place to work cuz they always have free food. From what I heard, they literally have a buffet table in their cafeteria 24x7 where their employees can eat all they want. I told him that if he worked there all he would have to worry about is his fare going to work and rent.

He remembered that he was hungry, and so we went to KFC so he could eat. I wasn't planning to eat anything, so I sat down at a table near the door while he ordered. When he got to the table I was surprised that he had ordered for me, and he got what I always ordered. I got sentimental again because after all we'd been through the past few weeks I didn't think he'd remember something like that.

While we were eating, we were still quiet, and I could sense that he was feeling a little embarrassed at having to ask me for help. He couldn't look at me straight. He was beginning to remind me of how he used to be before he got sick, before all of the things we went through. I was remembering the man I fell in love with, and I missed him terribly. I started to cry while I was munching on my fries. I was sniffling, wiping away my tears. I tried to stop but I couldn't anymore. I was missing him so badly, and for the first time since we broke up it really hurt that we weren't together anymore.

He of course knew I was crying, cuz he'd look up at me every now and then. When I was done eating I got up and told him I needed to go to the bathroom. So I went, and when I looked in the bathroom mirror I saw that my eyes were really red, which is probably why he looked at me weird when I left. I brought my stuff with me, and I probably shouldn't have, because when I got back to KFC, Vince wasn't there anymore. He had left without saying goodbye.

I walked towards the MRT, hoping that I'd still catch him, but I couldn't see him anywhere. I checked my phone and he had texted. He said thanks for seeing him, he couldn't stay long cuz he needed to go to work, and take care. I texted back and said what I couldn't tell him in person. I said I missed him so badly, I loved him so much, and that he should take care of himself and never give up. And that's how it ended.

I walked back to the office and I was still crying. I had to work at JG for a bit in an empty training room for a bit because I was still so distraught that I'd break down into tears every few minutes. It took me a few hours before I was OK again.

Although I was apprehensive at first, I'm glad I decided to see him. Somehow a few things got resolved, even if we didn't get to talk about the stuff that had happened to us. Still, it was a sad to have all the memories flash back in the silence between us, and it was sad to finally realize that I missed him and that somehow he missed me too.


The Promise
Martin Nievera

Say goodbye
When I can barely say goodnight
If I can hardly take my eyes from yours
How far can I go?

Walk away
The thought would never cross my mind
I couldn't turn my back on Spring or Fall
Your smile least of all

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much as today
I am not afraid to say I love you
But I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

We're dancers
On a crowded floor
while other dancers leave from song to song
Our music goes on

On and on
And if I never leave your arms
I really would have traveled everywhere
For my world is there

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow as much today
I am not afraid to say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye

Guys4Men's Next Top Model -- Cycle 1

Oh my God!! I'm so excited!! I'm the host of Guys4Men's Next Top Model!! I'm Tyra Banks!! YEHEY!! :-)

Ok. Some of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, so let me break it down for y'all. I am OBSESSED with America's Next Top Model (a.k.a. ANTM)! Ever since I first saw Cycle 4 on ETC, I've loved how in each episode the models go through hell having to always pose in awkward situations, and yet still they somehow usually manage to pull off the most amazing photos. Some of my fave contestants are Kahlen from Cycle 4 (very model-ish looks), Nicole from Cycle 5 (the winner), and Dani from Cycle 6.

I'm so obsessed that I'm constantly persuading my friends to take ANTM-like shots. By some miracle sometimes the pics actually end up being pretty good. During the recognition day for all of the PS employees who made it to their 5th year anniversary, I was the only one who got a standing ovation, cuz I walked down the aisle and posed like I was a ramp model working the catwalk. Hehe.

So anyway. I recently joined the Guys4Men website. Never mind why I joined, but the point is that there are forums on the site, and in one of the threads there were a few members who were fans of ANTM. Not only were they fans, but some of them were asking if there could be a similar contest -- Guys4Men's Next Top Model.

At first it was pretty disorganized. Some people were posting their pics, asking the others to judge them, but it wasn't really an actual contest. Then I remembered the Survivor series of threads in the PinoyExchange website. PEx members joined a Survivor-like contest online, did challenges and voted each other off, just like the real Survivor show. I thought, if it worked there, maybe a similar contest would work in the G4M website, but based on America's Next Top Model instead. So one thing led to another, I suggested some rules, mechanics, etc., and since no one else volunteered to organize the contest (hehe), I became the de facto organizer. In short, I'm Tyra Banks!! And I'm having a blast!! :-)

OK, I'll admit, I kinda rushed the contest a bit, and not all the contestants are drop dead gorgeous, and the rules are a work in progress, but who gives a shit. The point is that the contest got started, I've got something to keep me busy, and the other members seem to be having fun anyway. Lots of people are interested in the thread, and there are some gorgeous (as in GORGEOUS!) men who've been posting saying that they're interested in becoming contestants for the next cycle. So I guess even if this cycle's just a trial, so speak, at least there seems to be enough buzz for the rest of the cycles to be just fine.

And that's all for now I guess. I'll keep you posted. You can check out all the photos here. :-)

For lack of anything better to do, I went back to my first journal and read through some of my old entries. Here's something you might find interesting. It's a post that I didn't make public, and it's about the very first time Rolly, my first boyfriend, broke my heart.

July 9th, 2004

Many things have happened since the last time I wrote here. For the first time in a long time, I've wanted to write something but not for public consumption. I will include all my e-mail conversations with Rolly.

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed, 26 May 2004 13:27:55 +0900
kumusta? i mis u!

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 16:15:51 +0900
oo ako yan. i cn txt u sa net. try ko rin s smart tatawagan kta

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 16:21:39 +0900
khit dto s net ok lang. mablis pa

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 17:13:06 +0900
hnde mura lang. am txtng tru cel lang. mga 500 pesos a month. mis u!

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 01:38:21 +0900
ganun? i sent u pic nakita mb? kelan balik m?

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 03:12:38 +0900
kala ko for gud kna. e nasan npo sulat ko hmm? bday kna ah ala pko sulat? mis u.

Rolly always likes reading letters from me.

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 17:32:49 +0900
sure! xtra time for u. kc madami aackasuhn pagblik ko. xpired n arb ko ska prctis p me db? mis u
tu.

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2004 01:03:43 +0900
tlga plan ko punta jan by aug 6 pag uwi ko. mis u din. mwah!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/8/2004 11:48 AM
i2 yung ofc email ko.mas tntingnan ko email na2.mis u.mlungkot ako s Cbu.mis ko n frnds ko s mnila.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/8/2004 12:33 PM
hi. anu ung mail m? dko nbsa. uwi knb hehehe. mis u. mwah!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/8/2004 12:38 PM
i2 yung ofc email ko.mas tntingnan ko email na2.mis u.mlungkot ako s Cbu.mis ko n frnds ko s mnila.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/8/2004 12:39 PM
ganun b? musta k jan? masaya b? sana sama ako.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/8/2004 12:47 PM
mlungkot ako s Cbu.mis ko n frnds ko s mnila.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/8/2004 6:19 PM
mali mail m. umg msg m nasa re:

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/9/2004 7:33 AM
sadya yun kc di mo ata mbsa yung lmn ng msg ko.mis u.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/9/2004 7:35 AM
e bakit ngaun nbasa kna. ingatan m sarili mo ah. kailangan buo k pagbalik ko.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/9/2004 7:49 AM
haha!bkit.anong ggwin mo sakin? =)

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/9/2004 8:15 AM
cmpre ako nakauna sau db? bka macra k ng iba

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/9/2004 9:14 AM
hnde yun mngyyari. =)

This is where the sadness begins.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:07 AM
ang lungkot ng pnginip ko kgbi.may iba k n,tpos tntago mo sakin.hnahalikan mo p sya s hrapan ko.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:08 AM
kung may iba k n,ok lng, bsta sabihin mo.wg mo tago.maiintindihan ko nmn.mlulngkot nga lng ako.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 11:11 AM
ows? tapos ano daw? malungkot kc jan. kung anu ano iniicp m. kelan kb uwi?

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:13 AM
s 19 p uwi ko.bsta pg may iba k n,sbhin mo lng.mintindihan ko nmn. =(

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 11:16 AM
meron pero dkp nakkta.taga valenzuela.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:59 AM
panong d mo p nkkta?txtmate?chatmate?

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 12:05 PM
pnkilala ng ksamahan ko dto. kpatid nya. dnt wory dto p rin ako.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 12:27 PM
ok lng kung ms gs2 mo sya.frnds prin nmn tayo.alam ko nmn n mhirap kc mlayo ako syo.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 2:19 PM
josef dp kmi cgurado ska isa lang titiyakin ko sa iyo. i wil alwys be hir for u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 2:46 PM
sige.gudnyt n.bsta kya ako mlngkot kc I love u.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 2:50 PM
ktulad m at ktulad nya malau skin. minsanan lang magkita. mahirap db. on my part tu. dnt be sad. lets wait for d ryt tym. il be hir dnt wory. mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 4:01 PM
bsta mis kta.plgi kta iniicp.lam ko mhirap.bsta kung san k msya,sakin mn o sa iba,msya dn ako,khit mhrap sakin.i luv u.gudnyt.

I called Rolly immediately after my last message. He tried reassuring me that it wasnt anything serious while I tried desperately not to cry over the phone. The dream really traumatized me. The fact that it was true was partially true was one thing, but the details were vivid. He was kissing someone who wasn't all that good looking, and he tried to pretend they were just friends. I was totally unconsolable in my dream, and I couldn't find anyone to talk to. I tried going to Puerto Galera, but the last boat had left for the day. I tried talking with Dexter and Marc, but they were busy with their lovers. Rolly tried telling me that the person his friend introduced to him wasn't great looking, so I had nothing to worry about. That made me worry even more, because I never told Rolly that the other person in my dream also wasn't that great looking.

Around this time is when I had trouble sleeping in Cebu. 4 hours a day lang tulog ko kasi palagi ko naiisip panaginip ko, and I was always on the verge of tears. I came to learn that everytime I had 'missing-pangs' where I missed Rolly terribly, whenever I e-mailed him after, it would turn out that he had just talked with his other guy. What made me more sad was the fact that I couldn't complain because he didn't promise me anything, and it wasn't like I didn't have other men either.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 6/14/2004 5:52 AM
I miss u. Have a nice week. Always keep in touch. Take care palagi. Love Josef

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Mon 6/14/2004 6:36 AM
mis u tu. wg k msyado magpapagod. did u enjyd d outing? ingat plagi i care for u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 6/14/2004 9:09 AM
ok nmn outing pero d ko msydo nenjoy kc mrmi ako iniicp.i care 4 u too.i luv u.ingat plgi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/15/2004 12:44 PM
nasa ofc ako ngyn.jst wnted to say gudnyt.always take care.sweet dreams.i miss you.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/15/2004 4:03 PM
mis u din. nktlog me. restday nmin e. pagod kc me pumunta me ng tokyo knina nagbulet train me. ingatan m sarili m ha? mwah!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/15/2004 4:45 PM
huy!ang sya nmn.yun yng gs2 ko gwin pg nkpnta ako ng Jpn,smkay s blet tren.cnong pntahan mo s Tkyo? =P

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/15/2004 11:21 PM
uy sori nktulog ako. npagod ako s byahe. pano kc s bulet train parang airplane. may seat alocation. e di ko alam dapat sa car3 me e nsa 18 ako. lumalakad me punta ng 3 e gumegewang nkakhilo!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/16/2004 8:55 AM
Kwwa k nmn.Ako nmn d msydo mk2log d2.Ewn bkit.Aircon nmn yng bngay nlang aprtmnt.Kelan k nga ulit bblik d2?Pra mk-file nko ng leav.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/16/2004 9:03 AM
july 27. wag kna magleave sayang nman mgging bc din kc me. pde tau mamasyal aftr prctise. db? mis u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/16/2004 9:05 AM
dko kc alam sked ko nun e buti nlng mgleav ako pra d ako pgod after wrk.ayoko mngyari yung ngyri last tym n d tyo ngkita.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/16/2004 9:33 AM
nagkta nman tau db? pro saglit lang. cge d bale try ko more tym.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/16/2004 9:37 AM
sbrng nlungkot ako lst tym k nnd2 kc nga d tyo msydo ngkita.iyak ako ng iyak,d ko lng cnabi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 6/18/2004 5:31 PM
Hey.I ms u.Uwi nko Mnla s Sunday,tpos drtso ko sLcena.May pslubong ako syo.Bgay ko syo pgpnta mo d2.Happy Weekend.I love you.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 6/18/2004 10:32 PM
hi mis u too. ano nman kya yan? enjoy b cebu? blik kb dun? pag mahaba bkasyon k sa pinas punta din me cebu. ingat k lagi. hv tym to take rest! mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/19/2004 9:01 AM
maliit lng n souvnir.mtgal p cgro bgo ako blik s Cbu.Cno ksma mo f evr?Mkk-rest lng ako cgro pgpnta ko ng Lcna.Miss u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/22/2004 12:05 AM
Nsa Mnila nko ulit.Pmnta ako ng Lcena khpn.Khpn lng ako nk2log ng mayos.Mis u n.Di ko maantay yng pgblik mo d2.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/26/2004 8:29 AM
nmi-mis n nmn kta.sna d k niistorbo s mga email ko.advncd Happy BDay.twgan kta s Mnday.Luv u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/26/2004 8:29 AM
May parada pla s Malate ngyn.Pnta kmi ng mga ofc mates ko.Mggstuhn mo dmit ko.Happy Gay Pride Month!

By this time Rolly got the letter I sent him. I sent a card in Tagalog that had a really deep message, and then I included a handwritten letter that mentioned all my hurts and pains over the past year, starting with how sad I was the last time he was here because we didn't see each other that much, up until my dream and how miserable the thought of him being with someone else was making me. He called me as soon as he got the letter. He was happy. He did mention though that he got upset with his other guy cuz he asked for a letter and the other guy didn't want to send him one. I was glad that he was happy I sent him a letter, but sad that he asked the other guy to send him one too. My letters to him are what make me unique among all the men he's been with. I didn't want to share that with anyone.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/29/2004 7:10 PM
roly hir. my new email ad. pls send ur tots hir. mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/29/2004 11:17 PM
I mis u.Npdlhan k n b ng k-flirt mo ng sulat?Wg mo n antayin.D k nmn nya mhal k2lad ko...

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/30/2004 3:56 AM
wla la nga inaaway ko nga. hehehe

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/30/2004 4:48 AM
buti nmn.hehe.i luv u.take care s trbaho.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Thu 7/1/2004 8:23 AM
july n.mlpit k n bmlik d2.excted nko.sna mas mrmi tyong tym n ksma.ilang wks k b d2?

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/2/2004 2:50 AM
sbrang bc ako s wrk.nkkpgod.sna d k kcng pgod dyn.mis u.hapi wkend.mgkkta tayo soon.july n.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/2/2004 3:33 AM
oo nga malapit na.xcited n nga ako. uwing uwi nko. mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/2/2004 3:36 AM
sna d k nkkulitn s mga email ko.mis lng kta.sna mis mo rn ako.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/2/2004 4:11 AM
cmpre ikaw pa. ingat k lagi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 7/3/2004 11:28 AM
nmis n nmn kta.mg-ingt k plgi.i luv u.wg mo klimutan yun.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 7/5/2004 4:55 AM
msta?sna mging msya yng lngo n2 pra sau.fvrite song ko ngyn yng 'Thru D Fire' ni Chka Kan kc naicp kta s lyrics.I luv u.Ingat plgi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 7/5/2004 7:46 AM
ilang characters yung maximum na mababasa mo sa e-mail mo na to?

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Mon 7/5/2004 8:10 AM
6000　musta u? pauwi nko malapit na.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 7/5/2004 8:21 AM
6000 charaters? yun naman pala e. nagtitipid pa naman din ako sa space. nami-miss na talaga kita. palagi nga ako nagda-drama dito. oh well. ganyan talaga ang buhay. i love you. ingat ka palagi.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Mon 7/5/2004 8:25 AM
kya nga pag ngtxt k damihan m.mis u din. ingat k lagi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/9/2004 12:37 AM
musta na?malapit ka ng bumalik dito.excited na ako.alam mo na ba kung 2 weeks ka dito?sure na ba na 27 yung balik mo?sana mas marami tayong time na magkasama.sana di rin kayo magkita ng isa mong ka-flirt.hehe.joke lang.sige na nga,di siya masyado joke.malulungkot ako kung mangyari yun.pero ok lang.bahala ka na,basta i still love you,at sana wag di mo makalimutan yun.sana makasama ako sayo sa cebu kung 2 weeks ka dito,pero parang malabo yun.tingnan ko.pati nahihiya akong sumama kung kasama mo friend mo na manglilibre sayo.basta tingnan natin pagdating mo.miss you.ingat ka palagi.i love you.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/9/2004 12:51 AM
yup dating ko 27 ng gabi. i duno kung two wiks me pro sure ung cebu. mis din kta cmpre at d kta mkklimutan. kita tau ha? mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/9/2004 1:33 AM
siempre magkikita tayo.kaya nga ako magli-leave,diba?kung 1 week ka lang tapos punta ka sa cebu,konti lang time natin together.ok lang.kung saan ka masaya.i love you.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/9/2004 1:44 AM
kc i rili hv to take rest. ung alang masyadong iicpin．masyado ako npgod dto. ingat u mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/9/2004 2:24 AM
alam ko naman yun.isang beses lang sa isang buwan ba naman mag-rest day.sige.enjoy lang.miss you.

Before I had sent that last email, the realization hit me that Rolly didn't feel for me what I felt for him. He was talking about how he would 'try' to make more time for me, and he seemed more excited about going to Cebu than about seeing me because that's where he would be able to rest. Apparently nakakapagod din ako.

So there. Sadness. I've started looking for other men, again. Not that I'm excited about the prospect. Ewan. We'll see. I miss him so much it hurts.

"And I wouldn't want to change a thing... In spite of all the pain that love can bring..."

After going through something highly stressful or traumatic, some couples inevitably separate. I've heard many stories of couples who break up after losing a child, after one of the couple goes through an illness, or after some other major event. While it's true that some people grow closer after adversity, sometimes the event is so traumatic that you just want to forget about what happened for a while, and you can't do that if you're still with the person you went through it with. Vince and I got to that point. After 2 years of being together, we have decided it's best if we separate -- although we both have different reasons for wanting to do so.

I've never really wrote about our relationship. Part of the reason I haven't written about us is that I was embarrassed about our situation, and I thought only my really close friends would understand. But now I just really want closure on everything, and one of the ways I can get closure is to just write everything down and put it out there for everyone to see, regardless of what anyone might think.

I won't start from the very beginning, because it would take too long to explain everything that's happened to us. I'll eventually write about how we started, our good times, and stuff like that in another post. This post is all about circumstances and events that led to our break-up.

Two years ago when I finally decided that I wanted Vince to be my lover, I knew from the start that he would just break my heart. Yeah, at the time he was in other relationships and wasn't being faithful, but that's not why for some reason I knew he'd make me sad. Sometimes you just get that feeling about someone and you can't explain it. Despite that I took the risk since I also had the feeling that it would all be worthwhile.

Vince is an orphan. His Dad was murdered when he was a baby, and his Mom died of various illnesses when he was 17. Ever since he's kinda had to fend for himself, which has never been easy. His eldest sister is the only one who's ever really been able to help him with his expenses. However, his sister got into a whole lot of legal problems in 2005, around the time that we met, so she hadn't been able to send him funds on a regular basis. When she did it was usually not enough for all of the stuff he had to pay for (stuff at school, his rent, daily expenses, etc). So he ended up with a lot of debts.

I started helping Vince out before he became my boyfriend. One time when we went out, he mentioned that he was scared he wouldn't be able to pay his electric and water bills, and he didn't know what to do if his electricity and water were cut off. Because I thought he was a nice guy, and because I had extra cash, I offered to lend him money. At the time, I didn't want a relationship with him, and he wasn't even my type, so I was really just helping as one friend to another. Of course, we couldn't help but bond more after that, and how our relationship progressed is a topic for another post.

After he became my boyfriend, I helped out whenever his sister wasn't able to send him funds on time. At first it was OK, but then his sister started to not be able to send him funds for months at a time. My credit card bills were escalating pretty fast, and I wasn't able to save any money anymore. I wasn't too happy about what was happening, and I used to nag him a lot to call his sister to bug her into sending him money, but we really couldn't do anything if she really didn't have any money to send. So I was kinda stuck.

I've been asked why I still wanted to help him out even though I was having difficulty. I know I could have simply said I didn't want to help him anymore, but the thing is that I did want to help him even if it was hard, not just as a lover but as a friend. I believed in his dreams, and I wanted to help him make them come true. He was studying to become a nurse because he wanted to go abroad so he could earn enough to help out his other family members. When he had saved enough money, he was planning to study medicine and become a doctor. When his Mom died all he could think about was if only he knew what to do back then he would have been able to help her stay alive. How can you give up on someone like that? Though achieving his dreams meant that eventually he'd have to leave me (cuz I had no plans of going abroad with him), I didn't mind. I wasn't helping him out just so that he'd stay with me.

The first time my helping Vince really became a problem was when Rolly's Dad got really sick. Rolly was my ex-boyfriend, and I also helped him out financially before, though not to the extent that I was helping Vince. His Dad needed a liver transplant. He had acute liver cirrhosis cuz he'd be drunk almost every night after work. They couldn't afford the transplant, so they just needed help with the meds and the hospital bills every time his Dad got confined. His Dad was always nice to me and always made me feel comfortable in their home, so I wanted to do whatever I could to help. At first I was able to help out a bit, but then my credit card got maxed out and I didn't have anything to give him anymore. Rolly was desperate and I was heartbroken that I couldn't help him out. I'd talk to Vince about it but he'd get all jealous, in spite of the situation, so I kinda kept my helping Rolly to myself. Eventually Rolly's Dad died, and although I know it wasn't my fault I sometimes think that maybe if I helped Rolly more maybe his Dad would still be alive.

Not that Vince wasn't prone to being sick himself. When I first met him Vince was healthy. I knew though that he had a family history of illnesses. His Mom died of complications related to diabetes (hypertension and heart disease). If I remember correctly she had some cysts too. Vince therefore was prone to those illnesses, so we had to be extra careful about his health, and we didn't worry for the most part. That is until the cyst in his neck below his left ear started growing.

I first started borrowing money from friends to help Vince when we needed money for his operation to remove the cyst. The cyst was getting bigger and bigger each day, and I was getting more frantic. I didn't like having to borrow money, and I still don't, but Vince's life meant more to me than my pride. It still does. So we had the operation done, and I was able to relatively quickly pay back the friend who helped me. I was relieved, but sadly that event only turned out to be a preview of things to come.

A few months later (this was around June of last year), Vince told me that he had a checkup and his doctor told him he had developed a heart condition. It was an enlargement of the heart, and he would sooner or later need a bypass operation. Of course we wouldn't be able to afford that, so in order to make sure his condition didn't worsen, we had to make sure that he always took his medicine. However, his medicine was fucking expensive, a little more than 700 pesos a day, so we had huge problems trying to make ends meet.

Vince's sister was of no help at all. When she came to the Philippines last year, he had hoped to convince her to send him more money so he could pay for his medical bills. Instead she told him that she couldn't send him any money more. I hated his sister for that, and I still blame her for everything Vince and I went through. I probably shouldn't, and I'm pretty sure I don't know the whole story between her and Vince, but the fact remains that in essence she turned her back on her brother knowing very well that she was his only hope. So I hate her.

Since his sister wasn't going to help him out anymore, I was all Vince had left. His 2 other sisters here in the Philippines were both jobless, and they also had their own set of problems. Between June and November last year was probably one of the most diffult times of my life. That entire period I was constantly on the verge of tears. By then I had maxed out both of my credit cards, and was balancing what I had to give my Mom and my aunt here in Pasig with his bills, his daily needs, and his meds. Usually something had to give, and I always panicked cuz usually he'd have to either give up his meds or give up eating, and I hated always having to decide which was more important. There were times when I couldn't even go to work anymore cuz I didn't have more money to get to work. Needless to say the situation was very frustrating, and Vince and I argued a lot especially when I couldn't help him more than I had already done.

Vince was so depressed cuz eventually we decided that he would have to give up going to school and work. We couldn't afford to have him in school anymore. He would have to delay his dreams for a bit, and that I think was the most difficult part for him. At that point he had just started his internship, and therefore was really starting to get the feel of what it was like to be a nurse. He was so upset he'd have to give it up that at one point he tried to commit suicide. He slashed his wrists in his dorm's bathroom, but luckily his roommates were there to bring him to the hospital.

I was in Cebu at the time, and he didn't even tell me about what he did until I came back. I was so upset when I saw his wrists for the first time after. I asked him why he didn't tell me right away, and he said it was cuz I was always telling him how much difficulty I was having helping him out, so he didn't want to bother me with it. I felt like such a failure not just as a lover, but as a friend. I was devastated.

Thankfully we had a really long talk after that episode, and we cleared out everything that needed to be cleared out. By the time that school semester ended, I had managed to get a pretty big loan from Chinatrust, so I was able to pay back all my friends, and I managed to pay pretty much everything I need to pay for. The money I got from selling my stock options and my 13th month pay all helped as well. Vince also soon had job offers with several call centers lined up, so everything seemed to be falling into place.

The problem is that Vince wasn't able pass the training programs of either of the 2 call centers he got accepted in. The thing about a lot of call centers nowadays is that you don't actually get paid until after you pass training, so Vince in essence went through 2 months of training and got nothing in return. This was all during the early part of 2007.

Complicating things was that his heart condition was getting worse. We didn't have money for him to take his meds regularly anymore, so his heart attacks were becoming more frequent. It's actually one of the reasons he didn't get accepted at the 2nd call center. He had so many absences cuz he got sick during training that there was no way they were going to accept him.

Every time Vince wouldn't text I'd panic cuz I thought maybe something had happened to him. He had moved somewhere in Guadalupe, and didn't want to tell me where he lived for some reason, so I couldn't go to him to check if he was OK even if I wanted to. It even got to the point where I was bugging his friends from work to tell me where he lived, to no avail. I was so worried all the time, and I felt totally helpless. Luckily his friends were sometimes there when he got sick, and they helped out whenever they could.

I hated the fact that I wasn't able to help him as much anymore, and I had nobody I could borrow from anymore. I had already borrowed money from everyone I could possibly borrow from, and everyone else's budget was tight. The bills and loans I had to pay were racking up, so I couldn't give Vince as much as I had done before.

I asked Vince to ask Earvin, his bestfriend, and his family to help him out, since they were able to help him when Vince got hospitalized and I didn't have enough money for the bill. Vince had known Earvin's family since he was in grade school, and since his Mom had died he was always at their place during holidays. They were like his surrogate family. He didn't want to ask them for help cuz he didn't want to burden them with his problems, and no matter how I tried to convince him that they would understand he wouldn't budge.

Then I remembered that last year when he went to Cebu to visit his Mom's clan for the first time, some of his relatives offered to help him out if ever he needed help. I begged him to call them. He didn't want to. Maybe it was because he had only met them for the first time last year, and he didn't know them all that well, but still. Now was not the time to be embarrassed about asking for help. I was honestly on the verge of stealing his phone just so I could get their phone numbers and call them myself. I was that desperate.

In the end, all I could do was give him whatever little I could give him, and pray that he'd be OK. What I gave him was never enough to cover his rent, meds, food, and what he needed to apply for work. I was so scared that he'd feel helpless and try to commit suicide again, but luckily he didn't get to that point.

The sad part was that Vince mistook my not being able to help to mean that I didn't want to help, which was definitely not true. I did want to help, but what could I do? I was all out of funds. I exhausted all possible sources of help, did everything I possibly could, and I still came up short. I didn't want to argue to with him though, because he was sick, and when he's sick he's a completely different person. He's unreasonable and views everything negatively, and he doesn't listen to anything I say even if I'm trying to help. He's also constantly cranky and pissed off.

He'd always ask me to compute how much he owed me and swore, in a pissed off tone, that he'd pay me back. When I first starting helping him, I did keep a tab of how much he owed, cuz he was about to graduate from school and he promised to pay me back for everything once he found work with his sister in Canada. However, I stopped computing how much money I gave him once his sister stopped helping him, since I knew the chances of him getting to Canada were now slim, and he would never really be able to pay me back. I didn't care though. I wasn't helping him anymore thinking that the money would come back. I just did what I could, and hoped things would work out.

After realizing that I really couldn't help him out as much as I used to be able to, Vince decided to take matters into his own hands. He didn't look for another job, an he didn't ask for help from either Earvin or his family in Cebu. He decided that the best way to earn enough money to get by was to become a callboy. I felt so helpless when I found out that was what he was going to do.

The first time he asked me what I thought about him selling himself for cash was back when we were first having difficulty paying for his heart medicine. Back then I was adamant that he not resort to that, and I told him that I don't care if I'm the one who doesn't have enough money to eat, I don't care if I'm heavily in debt, just don't sell yourself. The thought of the man I loved being with someone else, let alone being paid to have sex with someone, was enough to make me break down in tears. I told him that if he ever sold himself, that would be the end of our relationship, cuz I would never be able to handle the fact that he had been with someone else.

I held out as long as I could. I'd always try to find a way for him not to have to do that. This time was different. I couldn't help him out anymore, and he was always out of food and meds. He didn't want to ask help from anyone else, so I couldn't say no anymore. If selling himself was what he wanted to do in order to be able to buy food and meds, if selling himself would mean that he would stay alive, then so be it. I hated that he felt he needed to do that, but I was willing to let him because his staying alive was more important to me than my wanting to keep him for myself. Though I had told him before that we'd break up if he'd ever sold himself, the truth was that I couldn't bear to be apart from him, so I just decided to turn a blind eye and pretend it wasn't happening.

Vince wasn't happy that I finally agreed to let him sell himself, and said that if I was a real boyfriend I shouldn't have let him get to that extent. It was like he was testing me. He said that I should've done more to help him. He couldn't understand that it wasn't that I wanted him to sell himself, because I honestly didn't, but that I understood why he needed to do so and agreed because I knew that was the only option he wanted to take. That's when he started shutting himself away from me. He wouldn't contact me for long periods of time. Since he wasn't working anymore I couldn't text his friends to see if they knew what was happening to him. When I'd call him he wouldn't answer the phone. Whenever he would text, the only thing he would text was to ask if I had any money he could borrow to buy his meds. He wouldn't answer any of my questions. Whenever I'd say that I didn't have anymore to give, and I really didn't, he would tell me to erase his number from my phone.

Occasionally he would text about the customers he had the night before. That hurt me the most. Yes, I agreed to let him sell himself, but I never said that I was happy about him doing it. I couldn't take the pain. I would cry everytime I imagined him being with someone else, and I was sad that he was telling me about the men he had been with as if he was blaming me for the situation he was in. The last straw for me was when he texted that one of his customers wanted to make him his boyfriend. The mere fact that he told me about that meant that he was giving the idea some thought, and it really signalled that as far as he was concerned our relationship was over. I begged him to stop telling me about his customers. So he did stop. And that was the end of our relationship.

After all that we had been through, after 2 years of being together, I didn't want to end our relationship through text. But I didn't have a choice. He didn't want to see me anymore. Everytime I begged to see him he wouldn't reply to my messages. I wanted one last chance to tell him everything that he meant to me, one last chance to tell him not to lose hope and that his dreams could still come true, but he wouldn't let me have that chance. He thought that everything that needed to be said had already been said.

A few days ago he said that he got arrested. He was asking for money to post bail. Of course I didn't have any spare money, so I said sorry but I can't give you anything, even though I really wanted to. He said that since I can't help him out anymore we should both just forget about each other. He then said that I destroyed his life and all his dreams. Though I knew it was his illness talking, it was still the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. Still, again I didn't argue. I told him not to give up, and that he could still achieve his dreams. I knew he just wanted to pick a fight with him and I didn't want to give in. Even if he's always trying to find a way for me to give up on him, I won't. I may have given up on the relationship, but not on him.

Vince still texts me sometimes, mostly to ask if he can borrow money. He's still in jail at the moment. I'm not happy, but in way I'm relieved that he's in jail, cuz that means he's not selling himself. It also means that he hopefully gets fed at least something everyday. I don't know when he'll get out, but hopefully something good will come out of this.

Not for one second do I regret helping Vince out as much as I did. Things might have been different if Vince had parents who were still alive, if he had a sister who was still willing to help him out, or even if he had friends who had work he could go to. But he didn't have any of that. Though I can't say I was more than happy to help, I can say that I did everything I could to help Vince out, and I did the best I could given the circumstances. It's just sad that it wasn't enough.

Would I ever consider getting back together with him? When he's financially stable again, when he's not sick anymore, I honestly would consider it. Vince was going through so much and was sick for so long that we never really got the chance to experience being a real couple. We spent most of our relationship solving all his problems. I think that with different circumstances things could be different for us. I'm well aware though that it'll be a really long time before any of that happens, so the chances of us getting back together are slim to none.

I will truly miss him. I'm afraid that this post will make some people think that our relationship was all about me helping Vince financially, but it was more than that. I think one of the reasons I held out so long is because I kept thinking about the man I met 2 years ago with all these dreams, the man who wanted so badly to change his life and make a difference in the lives of others, and that's the man I fell in love with. In spite of what he has done, in spite of the man he has become, whenever I think of Vince I will always remember the man I fell in love with. That will never change.

I'm so heartbroken that we've ended our relationship that I haven't told everyone that we're not together anymore, and even the ones I have told don't know the whole story. It's too painful to talk about, even now. Even what's written here isn't even half of everything we went through, everything that happened to us. Overall, I guess I'm OK though. Things had to happen the way they did. I'm not happy, but I'm relieved. I still worry about Vince. I hope things work out. I will always hope that Vince is OK, and I hope that eventually he manages to achieve his dreams.

Around the time Vince and I were breaking up, my friend lent me Madonna's Confessions Tour DVD, and I've been obsessed with the version of "Erotica" that she performs. The lyrics have been modified to make the song sadder, and they're very apt for how I feel about Vince.

You are who you are
And I wouldn't want to change a thing
In spite of all the pain that love can bring
Tell me what can I do
I'm so in love with you...

I'll write about how we first met, our good times, all the stuff that's not in this post another time. For now this is all. I'm still sad but fine. Thanks to everyone for understanding. I appreciate the love.

The 12 Disciples

I've now had sex with 12 men. That's not a lot considering how many men my other gay friends have had sex with, but I still think it's a milestone worth celebrating -- then again maybe not celebrating, but more like writing about.

Here's a quick recap of the 12 men I've been with:

1. Rolly - My first everything. I really loved him, and I knew he loved me back just as much. The sex probably wasn't as good as I remember it being, but then again I was making love with him more than just having sex, and nothing beats that. You can read more about him in the posts below. I wrote a lot about our relationship.

2. Carlo - One hot motherfucker. He was in his 30s and was the daddy type, honestly not that great in bed, but I still had so much fun fucking around with him. He'd smoke and watch porn while I was blowing his huge (and I mean huge) cock, and he'd get pissed off if I slowed down even if I'd been sucking him for an hour and my jaw was getting tired. Whenever he was about to cum he'd put his legs around my back and grab my hair so I couldn't move as he cummed in my mouth, and even after cumming he'd keep me on his cock and I'd suck him until he'd cum again and again and again. I loved the fact that he was selfish and was obviously just using my body. He was so big I nearly always had difficulty getting him up my ass, and I think we only successfully managed it once. The epitome of the sex hungry older guy.

3. Ren - I thought he was a bit demented. All I remember was him telling me that he wanted to fuck me in a nasal insect-like voice. "I want to fack you... I want to fack you..." Yuck.

4. Jake - Another guy in his 30s, but not even 10% as hot as Carlo. Half-way through blowing him I decided he wasn't my type and stopped what I was doing. Sorry, I can't do this anymore I told him. Of course he was pissed, and so I agreed to just jack him off.

5. RJ - Disgusting. The worst-tasting cum ever. Vomit-inducing. See "Undressed" post for details.

6. Mark - Not my type, but a good fuckbuddy. Reliable, polite, and good to me. Twisted though. Can't remember what his real name was. Florian something.

7. Gio - My sexual soulmate. The best fuck I've ever had. God I miss his body. Pure ecstasy. What I wouldn't give for one more night...

8. JM - Asshole. I still see him at work sometimes. Definitely not all that.

9. Alex - Selfish like Carlo, just as big too, but not as hot. Acted like a sex toy -- inanimate and non-participate.

10. Gil - First became textmates in college, met him a few years later. Not worth the wait.

11. Vince - He has broken my heart more than anyone ever has. I loved him so much. Sex was never really important to Vince, and objectively speaking he was more big than good, but like with Rolly, I was making love with him more than just having sex, and that's probably one of the things I'll miss most.

12. Daniel - Horrible. Forgettable. Enough said.

So there. 12 down, several million left to go. Cheers.

Just to let you know...

I haven't updated this blog in a really long time. The truth is that I have been blogging, but on other blogs that I don't want everyone to read. I have 3 blogs. This is my PG-13 blog, the one on my Friendster profile, which I will update with stuff I don't mind everyone seeing. I have another blog where I write about all my sexcapades, which I had to remove from the net when too many unwanted people were reading my blog, and which I last updated in 2005 back when I was still a slut. The last blog is the one which I won't advertise to anyone except for a select few, and that's where I'll put the stuff I only want my close friends to read. Hopefully I'll get to update the 1st and 3rd blogs regularly. The 2nd blog I don't think I'll update anymore, although I'm not sure. We'll just have to wait and see.

Mambo No. 5, este, Pembo No. 12

It's official. Vince and I have finally broken up. He's been trying to break up with me for weeks, but I only really gave in around a week ago. I haven't finished writing about what happened. Maybe I will tomorrow, or later. I had been having difficulty writing about it, because obviously before it still kinda hurt too much to have to think about it. But I'm OK now. I will post what happened in my "Reborn" blog.

I had originally planned this "Secrets" blog just to have my posts from my old blog about my previous sexcapades, but now it seems I'll have to start writing about my new sexcapades here too. In fact, this entry is about my first one since Vince and I broke up. Just a quick disclaimer though: I'm not too thrilled that I'm back in the game and that I'm fucking around again. I'd rather be with just one person. I'd rather be with Vince. But what can I do? He doesn't want me anymore, and we're probably not getting back together again.

Anyway, after I had finally accepted that Vince and I were no longer together, I started chatting again. I admit, when Vince and I were still together, there would be times when I would chat if I was completely bored cuz I couldn't leave home for whatever reason. But this time I was chatting again with the intention of actually hooking up with someone, and that was something I hadn't done in almost 2 years.

The first thing I noticed was how difficult it was to hook up. It wasn't like how it was 2 years before when all I had to do was spend 10 minutes in the chatroom before someone was asking me to go to bed with them. This time I messaged practically everyone in the fucking room and no one was interested in me. My market value apparently isn't as high as it used to be. It's probably cuz of the crappy pics in my guys4men account (which I created after Vince and I broke up). Shit. My cam's at the pawnshop. I pawned my cam to help with Vince's meds. So the crappy pics had to do.

In fairness, I was able to have some pretty decent conversations with some guys. A lot people were intrigued by the ad I posted, cuz it included the melodramatic lyrics from Madonna's "Erotica" (Confessions Tour version). The ad was something like this: "You are who you are... And I wouldn't want to change a thing... In spite of all the pain that love can bring... Tell me what can I do... I'm so in love with you...". I was obviously heartbroken, and there were lots of chatters who wanted to console me. Even some of the guys who were just chatting to hook up pm'd me and asked if I was OK. Hehe.

So anyway, finally I found someone who wanted to meet. I actually found 2 people, but the 2nd guy, when I met him, wasn't really my type, but he was nice so we had a pretty long conversation over at his place -- only a conversation though. The 1st guy was the one I actually did it with.

His name was Daniel, and he was from Pembo. Pembo is in Makati, and the areas near it are similarly named -- Rembo, Cembo, Comembo. All that's missing is Rico Mambo and Mambo No. 5. I had been to Pembo years before to meet another guy, but that hook-up didn't push through, cuz when I met him the guy wasn't my type. Thankfully Daniel was my type, or at least he was at first.

Daniel was taller than me, his body seemed OK, not really built but no tummy, and his looks were average and passable. He said he lived with someone else, but the person he was living with wouldn't be back until early in the morning (it was around 10pm when we met). We went into his house, watched porn for a bit, and after a few silent, sexual tension-filled moments, we got down to it.

The sex was bad. Maybe not the worse sex I've had, but the most frustrating. He had problems keeping it up. Granted, I probably wasn't his type, and so maybe that's why he wasn't getting aroused, he didn't have to seem so pissed off all the time. He was pissed that he could get his cock in my ass. He was pissed cuz I was too tight. Hello! Most guys would kill for a tight ass! And please, it's not like he was that big. Even if I hadn't been fucked in over a year, I could easily have taken him in. He just didn't want to admit that he wasn't that good.

We spent most of our time with me sucking on his cock trying to get him hard while he was texting. Crap. Every now and then he'd be barking at me giving me tips on how to get loose. In my mind I was like oh please shut the fuck up you're the top and if you can't get in cuz you're too small and too soft then screw you I'm outta here you're not as great as you think you are. In reality I didn't argue and just lay there and let him rant cuz all I wanted to do was get laid and with all that was going on in my life I didn't need any more negative karma.

Eventually he managed to get it in and spent like less than a minute pumping me before he came. After he came he shook his head like he was disappointed. Fuck. To be fair, I wasn't too thrilled either. But it was done. My first SEB since Vince and I broke up. The 12th guy I had sex with. We ended trying to be nice to each other, but obviously we'd never hear from each other again.

So there you have it. It wasn't great, but it was still a step towards recovery, so I'm still thankful. Dunno when my next hook up will be. I still hang out in the chatrooms, and I know that I'm just looking to hook up to distract myself from my issues with Vince. Still, now that I'm single, I want to enjoy every minute of being free. And if that means random meetings with strangers, then so be it. As long as I stay safe, then I think I'll be fine.

You don't mean nothing at all to me...

It's been 2 years since the last time I updated this blog. The last time I updated this blog, I was still single, and jaded with my lovelife. A few months later I met Vince, gave up being a slut, and, since I didn't feel the need to sleep around anymore, this blog kind of died. Sadly, my sex life kind of died with it.

Vince got really sick last year, and his heart condition really went from bad to worse, and so sex is pretty much the last thing on his mind (understandly). Not mention that he's forever busy with school, work, friends... Don't get me wrong. I love Vince a lot... but I miss having regular sex. And yes, I'll admit it, I miss sleeping around. I miss the feeling of having sex with a guy for the first time. I miss getting fucked by total strangers.

I've always said that I'll never cheat on Vince, but at the same time I've come close a few times. There was Carlo, who I would have slept with if only he had asked. There was Rocky, who never really said anything, but was drop dead gorgeous, and who I would have said yes to as well if only he had asked. And of course there was the guy from the MRT, and that was the closest I've ever coming to cheating with Vince.

It was rush hour and I was on my way home on the MRT. Naturally it was jam-packed, and I found myself with my back against some guy. At first it wasn't really anything weird, but I did notice that the guy's dick was kinda big. It just nice having someone's dick against my butt, since it had been so long since that last happened. I was pretending not to feel it, and so at first it was nothing. But then I felt the guy rub against my butt. I thought it was just a mistake, but then I felt his hand pull my waist in a bit, and he started discreetly pumping. I was wondering if anyone could see what we were doing, since the train was full, but even the person who was up against us didn't change his expression. I felt the guy get harder, and he really was big. I was so turned on. Even when there was more space on the train, I didn't move away from him, and he didn't move away from me. Then he stopped pumping. I missed my station. I thought he'd ask me to go somewhere with him, but he didn't. So I got off the train, and that was the end of that.

I guess you could call that cheating. I didn't feel totally bad about it though. A bit, but not much. I guess I'm just tired of the situation I'm in with Vince. My other blog has the details. But in any case, as much as possible, I will still try not to cheat on Vince. It's hard not to, but I will try.

My favorite song at the moment is Nelly Furtado's "Say It Right". My interpretation of the song is that it's about a fling that was not supposed to mean anything, but about not helping feeling that there could be something more to being with that person. It's exactly how I used to feel with some of the men I was with. So now I think about it, I guess sleeping around isn't such a great idea...


"Say It Right"
Nelly Furtado

In the day in the night say it all say it right
You either got it or you don't you either stand or you fall
When your will is broken when it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking there's a hole in the plan

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
Do you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonite you tonite

From my hands I could give you something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

Here we go again...

After a year and a half of not posting, I've finally decided to start writing again. A lot of things have been going on, not all happy but mostly all manageable, and so I feel the urge to write. Vince is running out of medicine, I'm running out of cash, and at work I'm running out of patience. I haven't had a proper break from work in around 2 months. I need to go on leave. I need to travel. I need to clean my room. Crap. And that about sums it all. I'll write more later when I'm more coherent. It's good to be back.