It's been a long time since I updated this journal. I guess it's because one of the reasons I originally put up this blog is because I wanted to talk about my sex life. Now that I'm celibate, there's really nothing to talk about. Hehe. Kidding.
A lot has been going on. At work we're preparing for a new batch that will be coming in soon, and we all took tests for the Trainer Certification Program. I flunked 2 of the tests, which really pissed me off. I think the tests were too bookish. Outside of work, for the second time, me and Rolly broke up, even though we were never really together.
It all started a few weeks ago. I was on the way back to Manila from Lucena and I was texting Rolly. He told me that he was going to Tagaytay the following weekend, so I asked him who with. He said it was a secret. I thought it was weird because he wouldn't ordinarily not tell me who he was going with, unless it was another guy and he didn't want me to get hurt. So I asked him again. He said it was a new friend and that he would tell me the whole story once we got the chance to talk. I tried to press him for a few more details but all he said was not to worry cuz they were still getting to know each other. I asked for his name. The guy's name was Bryan.
Rolly has been with lots of men since he got back from Japan. Apart from Nann and Bhudz, he's been going to a bath house weekly and has sex with at least 2 men every time he's there. You'd think knowing that would have made me immune to him meeting Bryan, but it didn't. I don't mind him fucking other people who he has no feelings for. But it's different when he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with. Him being with someone else means that he doesn't want to be with me, and I still find it difficult imagining him with someone else.
I was so sad. I knew that it was inevitable for him to meet someone else, that sooner or later he would be in a relationship with someone else. I guess the reason I was so unhappy though is that no matter how much I told myself that he would never feel the same way for me, no matter how many times I told myself that a relationship between us just wouldn't work, there was always a part of me that didn't want to give up hope. Him meeting Bryan meant having to give up that hope. Although I had been preparing for something like it to happen, I didn't think it would happen that soon.
Back when Rolly first came back from Japan and told me he had met Nann, he suggested that we not see each other so that I could get over him. I said no, I'd be fine. The thought of not being able to ever see him again was too much for me to bear at the time. I'd rather him being partially in my life than not being there at all. In recent times however, especially after our Cebu trip, I've been thinking that maybe me not seeing him is a good idea. I started thinking that way around the time he started going to the bath house.
I didn't like him sleeping around, but I never told him. I didn't want him to think that by telling him that I was still in love with him, even if it was true. We worked so hard to rebuild our friendship last year, and I didn't want to destroy that by causing him to be paranoid and too careful about the things he said or did. At the same time though, keeping all of my feelings to myself didn't make it easy to move on, and to be honest I guess never really moved on.
Deep down, I've always known that the only sure fire way for me to move on was for me not to see Rolly. I never had the courage to tell him that though, because I didn't want him to be completely out of my life. Even if I told him that I only wanted to not see him temporarily, we might become so distant from each other that we couldn't be friends again. I didn't know if I was ready for that. But I did know that if I really wanted to not see him, Rolly would understand. I've always told myself that he doesn't need me, and could live the rest of his life just fine without me. So when he told me about his Bryan, it became clear that the time for me to really leave Rolly had come.
So going back to Bryan, a few days later Rolly texted me that Bryan and him agreed to formally get together. I was pretty upset, and although I had been putting it off for so long I finally decided to tell him that I didn't want to see him again. So I texted him and said goodbye.
I told him that I knew that he knew I still loved him, and I thanked him for pretending that he didn't know because that's the only reason he opened up to me more and it's the only reason our friendship had a chance to grow. I told him even though I knew we could never be together, even if I had been constantly telling myself that he didn't feel anything for me, it would still always hurt for me to see him with someone else. I told him that I didn't like him going to the baths. I told him about how I thought it was time for us not to see each other for a while, just like he suggested after he had first come back from Japan. I told him that the reason I didn't want to see him was not to forget him, cuz that would never happen, but because it would be the only way for me to move on and finally find someone else. I told him I still wanted to find out if he was leaving for Japan, and I'd still want to see him on his birthday. I told him that as much as I wanted him to be happy, I also wanted to be happy myself. I told him I would miss him, that no one had changed my life more. I told him that of all the things that happened to us, I would never forget Cebu, because that was where I found out that even if he didn't want to be with me, at least he respected my feelings for him. I told him that I knew he might become distant after telling him all this, but I said that I was willing to take that risk rather than not tell him all that I had been trying hard to hide from him. I told him to take care of Bryan and not to treat him like some plaything. I told him that I would always love him, and that I couldn't wait for the day when we could just be friends without either of us hiding anything from each other.
Of course while texting him all of this I was sobbing and crying, but I didn't feel as bad as when I first said goodbye back when I fould out he was with Nann. Somehow goodbye is easier the 2nd time around.
Rolly didn't reply straight away. I assumed he was with Bryan. I actually didn't want to talk with him anymore because I had a feeling that if we did, nothing would change. He'd pretend that I didn't say the things I did, and I'd still want to see him. So the next day when he was calling me at the office, I didn't answer until after he had tried a few times.
When I finally did answer, he asked what happened to me. I said that I had said everything that I needed to say. Then the next few things he said surprised me. He said that he had broken up with Bryan. When I asked him why, he said that it was because of me. He didn't want me to feel hurt. He asked don't I show you enough how much you mean to me? You're like family already. Don't worry, I wasn't really sure about my feelings for Bryan anyway. Besides, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than not have you with me.
That was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever said to me. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than not have you with me. At the same time, I was sad that he felt that he had to say that. I didn't want him to give up his own happiness just so that I would be happy. So I told him that that's not what I wanted to happen. I didn't want him to break up with Bryan. I wanted to meet him and talk with him. We decided to meet that Saturday. Rolly would meet Bryan first and talk to him too.
[thank you for waiting as I finish writing this post. thank you.]
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
