Habemus Papam! Vive Il Papa Vincente Segundo!

I haven't updated this blog in a long time. Let me just post a pic of my husband, Vincent -- the only man I love. :-)

The Way We Were [unfinished post]

I haven't been talking to Romi. She got back together with Sherwin, and needless to say I'm pissed. Rather than waste my time getting mad at her, I've decided to ignore her to avoid conflict. Inspite of that, it is her PC that I'm using to write this entry. Hehe. Anyway. I was searching through her music files and I ran across Barbra Streisand's "The Way We Were". I am so addicted to the song. I've played it over and over both at the office and at home. The lyrics are so poignant. I can't help but get teary. They remind me of Rolly...

I realize that I still haven't finished writing my last entry about Rolly, "Status Quo". It's too late now to finish writing it. So much has happened since. The biggest thing that has happened to me since is that Vincent is my boyfriend now. I know -- weird, considering how the last time I mentioned him in this blog I said I wouldn't want him for a boyfriend. However, when I asked the Universe for the one who would help me finally get over Rolly, he was the one the Universe sent -- and I couldn't be happier. More on that in the next entry though. First let me write one last entry about Rolly and the relationship that could not be.

I think I've said more that enough times that I was tired of the cycle that Rolly and I were in -- us trying to pretend we were just friends, him fooling around, me getting hurt, us kinda breaking up, kinda getting back together... I wanted out, but didn't know how to get out. I tried telling him that I didn't want to see him again, but that didn't work. Absolutely about what to do, I left it to the Heavens to send me someone, and thankfully they did -- Vince. And after Vince and I got together, I told Rolly. "Hey, congratulate me. May boyfriend na ako. c",)"

Rolly didn't react much at first -- or at least I thought he didn't. A few days later, he said that he had looked for Vince in Friendster. He noticed the testimonials we made for each other, and commented on how relatively quick things had happened. Then he became serious. He said he was happy for me, but at the same time was scared of losing me. He noticed that there was a difference in way I was towards him since I met Vince. I texted him less. I guess in a sense I was less friendly.

I told him not to worry. I told him that he would always be someone special to me, and it's true. He will always be my first everything. But at the same time, I felt so happy that I finally met someone who felt for me the same way as I did for him. Being with Vince probably would also mean that I wouldn't get to be with him as much, especially since Vince was kind of jealous of Rolly. This made Rolly sad.

Rolly then said that he regretted we didn't make it as a couple. For some reason he believed Dexter when Dexter pretended to read his palm and said that we would be a couple. He was hoping that the prediction was true -- not that he had done anything to make it come true.

(to be continued...)

Memories...
Like the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me - would we... could we...

Memories...
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
The way we were...

Confessions of a 19-year old Josef

I have lots of other things to do but I'm not in the mood to do any of them. I will re-write something that I wrote in the PDA journal almost 5 years ago a few months before graduation. I don't remember feeling any of this but it's a nice read.

Wed, Nov 29, 2000

Hi. I was very melodramatic last Thursday. I was feeling depressed, so I went to Parañaque to rediscover my roots. It was OK. The trip was a bit emotional, but I needed to go back. I do that whevener I get nostalgic and slightly depressed. You know, maybe I'm too caught up in the past, which is weird. I have no idea why I'm like that. As usual I'm beginning to feel like I have to move on and leave. I have to leave UP and I have to leave Bagong Ilog. I'm not sure if I don't fit in anymore, or if it really just is time to move on and start another chapter in my life. In any case I can't do that just yet. I desperately want to get this graduation thing over with. I don't have enough space here in Pasig. Although mind you most of the time I'm either not here or I'm alone. Anyway. I dunno.

Bummer. Jed is still in love with his ex-boyfriend. Shit. As in he's madly in love, it's a tragic love affair whatever. Shit. The last thing I need is another guy who's madly in love with someone else. Enough is enough. Why are all my men like that?

My suicidal tendencies are starting again. And I'm not sure if it's the tragic kind of suicide that I'm going for. Hmmm. It's just that I think life would be so much better if I were dead. I don't really have any regrets about this life. But enough is enough. I just feel so weak sometimes. My life does have direction, and I pretty much know where I'm headed. But everything's taking so long that I think I've changed my direction too much. I've exercised too much freedom of choice. I'd like to die passively. Hit by a bus (in an instant and painless way). Or in my sleep. I really don't know what my problem is. Or maybe I do know but I'm just avoiding it. Or maybe I'm focusing too much on my problem and/or maybe I'm just thinking this all up.

Possible major problems/reasons why I'm feeling the way I do:
1. Lack of independence -- I really have to start making my own money. I hate having to depend on others. It's not fair to be spending money other people have earned. Although I'm pretty sure my career will turn out well no matter where I go, that stuff is in the future. For the moment it still kinda sucks.
2. Change has always bothered me -- Although I'm rather volatile, I do prefer stability. It's hard going through this stage where everyone is getting ready to leave school and start their lives even if I know this is inevitable and I really want this to happen, but somehow it's all so sad. Then again, I'm so used to abrupt changes so it really shouldn't feel this bad. Maybe I've gotten too used to the idea of changing.
3. I'm becoming too loner-ish -- I really don't communicate with the rest of the world as much as I should. Even during the times when I was a light and bubbly positive person I never really said anything that would give anybody any clue as to who I was. Just to Juris I guess. And Jean. Marie probably identified with my good-trying-to-be-bad-and-succeeding phase. Jhona is a bit like me -- openly gay, but still kinda in the closet because I don't really say anything.

Oy! I hope I'm not manic depressive. Every now and then I do become happy. But then all of a sudden I become upset for the smallest of reasons. I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm writing this at night. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. But I have rehearsals tomorrow; meaning I have to go to UP. For some reason I find UP so suffocating these days. It's like when I get to UP I feel very sad all of a sudden. That's why I can't stay in UP for very long. In a way it sort of helps that my day starts when everyone else's ends (I have evening classes) cuz that way I can be alone a lot more.

I have to see Joel. Joel has to find me again. He has to find me soon...

At least I'm not taking my angst out on anyone else this time. I'm pretty much positive towards other people. At least my negativity is self-contained. No one else is getting affected. Well, except for you, if you read this. But at least I'm not affecting you intentionally. And at least I'm isolating myself because of sadness and not anger...

I can imagine what it'll be like when the four of us finally live together in one house. What if all of a sudden I get all crazy and feel like being a loner again? Shit. Even now I can imagine leaving for Ilocos in the middle of the night and leaving you people a tiny little note saying that I have to take a breather. Would you be shocked? I can really imagin myself doing that -- going off to somewhere distant without telling anyone where I was going. Hopefully if I ever do that I won't be suicidal, otherwise I might just jump off a cliff, or throw myself into a volcano. I dunno.

I am destitute and impoverished. Not that it's anything to be sad about. I'm just saying that because it's true. I have like 20 pesos to get me through until next Wednesday. That's 7 days from now. 20 divided by 7 is around 2.75 pesos per day. Wow... But I'm not really concerned about money problems that much. That's a good sign, I think. I mean, I'm aware that I'll have so much to pay for after college, but I don't think money problems should be a reason to get upset. Right? It's not like I'm that bad off. My ATM card's just bust.

I think I've gotten too obsessed with getting rich. What happened to wanting to change the world through my art? And what happened to wanting to get the message of my life across? I've given up on too many of my dreams. Not all of my dreams are mateial. Yeah fine, I want a house, a car, whatever. But my life isn't about that. Oh well. All I know is that whatever my career turns out to be, by 28 I'm going to stop or at least slow down because I want to raise children. Someone told me that I would adopt a child when I'm 28. I want to be prepared for that. My career better turn out well in the 9 years before I adopt, because when that time comes my career should no longer be a major concern. This negative-bitch phase of mine should also be over with by that time. If I ever decide on working abroad, I'll also have to be done with that phase of my life by that time because I want to raise my children here. I dunno if I'll have a husband or a lover at that time, but if I do he'd better be very supportive or else he can just get the Hell out of my life.

I am going to be a mother when I grow up. That is my career path. Maybe that's why I find it so hard to imagine what I'm going to be after graduation. I just want to be a mother when I'm 28. God knows what I will be in the 9 years until then.

I have so much work to do if I want to be a mother. 9 years is enough to change for the better, I think. Things I have to work on:
1. In general, I don't like children. I find most children irritating and annoying. Now that is a major obstacle to motherhood. Cuteness wears out very quickly in my eyes. There have only ever been 2 children that I've liked -- my little brother and sister. The rest just piss me off.
2. I'm lazy. Very. That's another big obstacle. As it is with Lisa and Jelu, I'm too lazy to bring them to school, pick them up, go back to school for their lunch break. And then there's homework. It's a good thing that Lisa and Jelu are geniuses. What if my kid wasn't? I therefore also have to develop patience.

That's all I have to write for now. I will write again tomorrow. Don't worry. I feel better now. I just hope this lasts.

The mess that I call Home

Here are pics of the clutter that I live in.

1. This is what the ground floor looks like from the front door. To the left are the couches and to the right is the staircase. The dining area is in the back. The TV you see has committed suicide, and the sounds system is on life support.

2. This is what the living room looks like when I am lying down on the couch. I sleep here during the day because it's too fucking hot to sleep in my room during the summer. The electric fan that you see makes a nice humming sound that's hypnotic. The books under the coffee table haven't been read in years, and there are some gay porn flicks in the CD shelves.

3. These are our two couches. The one on the right is where I sleep. The one on the left needs to be re-upholstered, and it's the couch where my cousin shot porno pics of him and some guy he picked up from a chat room.

4. This is our dining area. My cousin, my Aunt and I all have different work schedules, so we hardly ever get to eat together. None of us drink alcohol at home, so the wine bottles you see at the top of the pic haven't been touched in years.

5. This is our cockroach-infested kitchen. Every so often either my Aunt or my cousin bombards the cupboards under the sink with Baygon, and all the roaches fly out and then die on the floor, leaving scores of dead cockroaches on the floor. I don't trust any of our cooking utensils because late at night roaches crawl all over them, hence the reason why I hardly eat at home.

6. This is our laundry area, which I haven't used in years since I don't have time to wash my own clothes anymore. It is also our cooking area, which is weird because it's right next to our bathroom -- another reason I don't eat at home.

7. These are our pet red ants feeding on our garbage. There are so many red ants everywhere that I think I've grown immune to them. At one point there were a lot of red ants living in my towel, and every time I took a bath I had to suffer their bites when I wiped myself off.

8. Our toilet -- the cleanest part of our house. Hehe. We never run out of water, thank God.

9. These are the stairs going to the bedrooms. At the top of the stairs is my laundry basket. At point I had a month's worth of clothes in there. Now I have my laundry done at least once every 2 weeks.

10. At the top of the stairs we have a laundry line, and that's where my cousin keeps most of his clothes. Every now and then the clothes line breaks from the weight of the clothes, and all his stuff ends up on the stairs. When I come home and take off my pants I leave them on the handrails.

11. The first bedroom upstairs is my Aunt's, and outside her room is a bookcase with lots of religious stuff. There are also souvenirs from all the places she's visited. The clock you see is advanced by an hour but no one bothers to fix the time.

12. This is what my Aunt's room looks like from the door. She has shelves with her toiletries and some pictures, some suitcases on the left, and a TV on the right.

13. I sometimes sleep in my aunt's room during the day when she's not there. This is what it looks like when I am lying in bed. As you can see the electric fan is at the foot of the bed next to the TV, and at the height of the movie "The Ring" craze, I couldn't sleep because I kept imagining that the breeze from the electric fan was Sadako's hair coming out of the TV.

14. Last but not least, here is the messiest part of the house -- my room. To be fair, the mess is only half mine. My cousin is just as messy. The mess to the left of the computer is his, the mess to the right is mine. This room is filled with the most dust because the window faces C5. This room is the hottest during the summer because it faces the sun.

15. This is what my room looks like when I am lying down. I sleep in the bottom bunk, and the top bunk is where I put some clothes and other stuff. None of the clothes in the cabinets are mine. The arm you see is Kuya Benjie's -- he's my cousin. He has his own bed.

Well. That's about it. Kuya Benjie and I finally cleaned our room over the weekend, but I'm guessing the cleanliness will last until next week. I will post pics of our place in Lucena the next time I go there.

Portrait of the sky

I finally bought a digicam! I'm so excited! A few weeks back I saw a shop that was offering cams at 0% interest for 12 months and I jumped at the offer. I computed what I would have to pay each month and it's totally affordable. So last Sunday Juris and I went to the shop and here is the first pic I took:

OK fine, it's a bit blurry. I've gotten better though. I will post pics of my house next, and soon after I will post pics of everything else in my life. Hehe.

The end of an era

4 months and 3 weeks. The longest I had been without sex since I became a slut. My celibacy officially ended last Saturday. This entry won't be long though cuz the sex wasn't that great.

I was chatting last Saturday when I saw someone's ad saying he was at a hotel and wanted someone to come over. I macked him, asked for his pic, and when I saw it he looked familiar. He said his name was Gil, and eventually it dawned on me that he was one of the first few guys I became textmates with. I met him back in 2002 when he was still working for Sykes. He wasn't my type back then and he still isn't but I thought what the Hell at least we already know each other.

So I went to his hotel room, we did it, and I went home. He was small (the condom kept coming off of him), and no matter how hard he pumped it still didn't hurt. I didn't even get a hardon through the entire thing.

And that's it. There's not much else to say. My length of my entries are directly proportional to the penis lengths of my men. Haha. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Pope Bacchus I

Last weekend, Juris and I went to Marie's place in San Fernando. We went because Marie had our first journal, and we wanted to compile some of the entries as part of a blurt that we would photocopy and distribute to our friends. We were supposed to spend most of our time there talking about the blurt. We ended up buying lambanog and throwing it in a blender with chocolate milk and ice to make an improvised mudshake. Marie and Juris spent the rest of the night talking about heterosexual relationships while I lay down and listened to them.

I miss getting drunk. I don't drink that often, but whenever I do I really go wild. I don't think I got drunk in San Fernando but I did have a hangover the next day. The last time I really got drunk was last year during Marie's birthday. We were in Bataan and all of Marie's friends were there -- Bataan peeps, UPSF friends, and us PDAers. After everyone else had gone to sleep, Jhona and I started finishing the gin. For some reason when I get drunk I become all athletic, so I was soon cartwheeling all over the place and tumbling like a little ball. Marie said she was concerned at one point cuz even though I was bumping loudly into everything, I still kept on going and going. I bought my Doraemon stuffed toy with me to the party and I was saying stuff like Doraemon is hungry, Doraemon wants to eat ube hopia. They asked if maybe it was me who wanted ube hopia and not Doraemon and I said no Doraemon really wants ube hopia but yeah I think I want some too. Jhona was pretty drunk too and kept asking Mate, someone she barely knew, to go with her to bathroom to help her pee.

My best performance as a drunk happened when some of the Speech Comm people went to Infanta. I can't remember when it happened exactly, but it was either just before graduation or just after. This was also around the time when Keysi and I weren't on speaking terms for a lot of reasons. I can't remember all of the details anymore, but when I got drunk I kept on blabbing and blabbing and I wrapped my arms around KC and said I forgave her. She started crying so I kissed her on the lips and said her lips were soft. Then I started kissing everyone else around me. I decided that since I forgave KC, I also needed forgiveness. So I went outside in the pouring rain and lay down on the gravel. My friends asked me if I was OK and I said I was OK and it was just part of my cleansing ritual. Someone tried to put an umbrella over me but I told them to go away. After a while I went back inside and started telling people you get my t-shirt you get my toothpaste cuz I want to take a bath. I told someone else you stay outside the bathroom door cuz I might fall over in the shower. So then I took a bath and when I came out I started crying about some guy. Then I fell asleep. The next day I woke up with a hangover and was in pain because I developed an allergic reaction to the gin we drank and my skin was red all over.

That's pretty much it. Martina, Romi and I have been planning to get drunk for some time now cuz I want to show them how weird I can be. I hope it happens soon. The only problem is that like with smoking I seem to have developed an aversion to alcohol. After just a few beers I either get an upset stomache or immediately feel like puking. Hmmm. We'll see.

Habemus Papam

A new pontiff has been elected to succeed Pope John Paul II -- Pope Benedict XVI; formerly Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. The new Pope is apparently ultra-conservative, and has spoken out against homosexuality and inter-faith dialogue in the past. Yes, he may eventually turn out to be a great leader, but all the same I think my Catholic renewal ends here.

I stopped being Catholic almost a decade ago. I was at one point a devout Catholic; going to mass every Sunday, reading the Bible when I had nothing else to do, confessing my sins, etc. But some things I could never really understand, like the concept of homosexuality being unnatural when it felt completely natural to me, God not being able to control Satan, etc. I completely gave up trying to reconcile my beliefs with Catholic beliefs after having read "Conversations With God". I might write more about that book later. I'm happier without organized religion. I don't really talk about it much though, cuz inevitably talking about my beliefs leads me to having to defend them, which I find tiring and ultimately pointless. It's not what you believe but how what you believe shapes who you are and what you do. Plus it's not like I go around telling people what they believe is wrong, so I appreciate people who show me the same respect.

Though I may not consider myself Catholic, I was still saddened by Pope John Paul II's death. I didn't expect his death to affect me as much as it did. Inspite of the differences in our beliefs, I honestly thought he was a great person who worked harder for peace than most other world leaders. The only world figure I respected more was Mother Teresa, who's death in 1997 also saddened me. I appreciated the lengths he took to reach out to the people of the world by travelling as often as he could, and I like how hard he tried to reach out to the leaders of other faiths. OK fine, he was very conservative, and his views on homosexuality were disappointing, but I'm very Japanese in the sense that once someone dies I tend to only remember only the positive things about them -- especially when the positive far outweighs the negative.

I watched the Pope John Paul II's funeral at the office, and I swear I looked like such a devoted Catholic. I was only person who stayed in front of the TV from start to finish, and everyone who came by didn't even bother to try and change the channel cuz I was obviously so fixated. The ceremony itself was your average Catholic mass, but I was particularly moved by the part when the world leaders were all wishing each other peace.

After the ceremony, as with everyone else in the world, I was excited about who they'd elect as the next Pope. I hoped the person would be from either Latin America or Africa. I'm not sure why I cared, considering how much I previously tried to distance myself from Catholicism. I think it's partly because I wanted to feel connected to this historical event. I guess you could say I decided to temporarily become Catholic again -- just until the new Pope was elected.

I knew though that whoever they selected would be conservative and non-progressive, but I didn't mind. For some reason I agree with the people who say that Catholicism shouldn't change its stand on certain issues just for the sake of keeping or gaining followers. Its being dogmatic is what makes Catholicism Catholic. If you don't agree with what they say, then just don't be Catholic. Yeah fine, a lot of their beliefs seem archaic, antiquated, and non-responsive to current issues, but whatever. To each his own.

True enough, the conservative and non-progressive Ratzinger was elected Pope. Whether or not he stays conservative and non-progressive remains to be seen. I'm sure he will do a good job as Pope of the Catholics; maybe not in terms of what progressive Catholics hope he will do, but definitely in terms of what he is supposed to do according to tradition. As far as I'm concerned though, I still do not believe in Catholic doctrine, and I still think I'd be happier without a religion. I will now go back to being a heretic. Urbi et Orbi.

Habemus Papam: director's cut

I wrote another entry titled "Habemus Papum" in my public blog, but this is the version that is unsuitable for public release. Hehe.

I finally met Vincent. It was just a clean meet though. We were supposed to have a sex-eb last Monday, but for some reason that didn't push through. Yesterday he had a job interview in Makati, and I asked if he wanted to meet for dinner. I said let's meet in Glorietta and decide where to have dinner later. He said fine let's meet.

When I saw him, I wasn't exactly impressed. He seemed pretty ordinary, not like what I had expected at all. He wasn't dressed well either, but neither was I, so it wasn't a big deal. Still, he seemed nice, so I wanted to give him a chance. I mean, I wasn't that impressed with Mark either when I first met him, and he turned out to be OK. Besides, if the pics he showed when we were chatting were real, then he had a huge penis (which is the only thing that matters -- haha!).

We decided to go to Mexicali's since I was craving for their burritos. The first few moments were awkward, as always, but we soon settled in. The conversation we had was mostly small talk, with him doing most of the talking. I think that's the complaint of a lot of people -- I tend to seem bored because I like listening more than I like talking. Among the things he mentioned was that he is currently taking a second course in college and has a sister in Canada who is supporting him. He also mentioned that he has had a boyfriend for the last 2 1/2 years, inspite of being engaged to his childhood sweetheart.

Overall though, inspite of his admitted unfaithfulness, he seemed like a nice guy. Not that I want to be in a relationship with him. I know what I can aim for, and it's nothing long-term. He may end up being a friend like Mark did, but if that doesn't happen I'm fine. As long we have sex before we decide not to see each other again.

That's pretty much it for now. Vincent and I will meet sometime this Saturday. I will keep you posted.

a zephyr in the sky begins

OK. Here starts the story of my life. Off the bat, if you were to ask me if I thought my life story is interesting, I'd probably say no. But I guess that's just because I'm no different from the vast majority of people who either undervalue their life experiences, or are just too caught up in the moment to remember what they've been through. I'm one of those people who should be required to keep a blog, cuz if I didn't have one I'd probably forget everything that happened to me beyond a week ago. So forgive me if every now and then the stories stop being chronological. It only means that I've suddenly remembered something that I should have remembered earlier.

So where do we start? Well, we should start a few years before I was born -- sometime in the 1970s, somewhere in Manila. I posted this before in another blog, but I will post it again anyway. I always get nostalgic whenever I think about how Manila was like in the 70s. For some reason I have this affinity with all things from the 70s, and especially all things that have to do with Manila in the 70s -- old Filipino movies, songs, pictures. Even recent stuff that is 70s-inspired appeals to me, like the stuff on True Faith's live album "MYX: Halo-Halo". My theory is that before I was born I was a spirit wandering around the world, and the place I liked most was Manila. I was born in 1981, so I guess if I really was a wandering spirit I would have been wandering around in the 70s.

As a wandering spirit, Leonida Almario and Florentino Bertumen -- my parents -- caught my attention. My Mom and my Dad were working in the same office back when they met; my Dad was my Mom's boss. It was my Mom's friend that my Dad was dating at first, but one time when my Mom's friend didn't show up for one their dates, my Mom went instead. Eventually my Dad moved to Papua New Guinea to work there, my Mom followed him, and they got married in a small ceremony there on September 6, 1980. None of our relatives were there, so when they came back to the Philippines people were a bit shocked that they couldn't wait but were nonetheless happy.

My parents enjoyed their married life without children for only 11 months. Not to say that they didn't enjoy their married life with children, but... we'll save that for another entry. I was born in the Our Lady of Lourdes hospital in Sta. Mesa, Manila on August 20, 1981. Oliver and Lisa, my brother and sister, were eventually born in the same hospital and delivered by the same doctor. Only Jelu, my youngest brother, was born elsewhere. I also will write more about my brothers and my sister in another entry.

That's it for now. If I attempt to cover anything more with this entry it will never get finished. I'm thinking about making future entries topical rather than chronological. Whatever. We'll see.

The Return Of The Fag

They are calling Mariah's new album "the return of the voice". Well, consider this post to be "the return of the fag". Not that I really went anywhere. What I just mean is that for some reason this week I've been in the mood to write stuff -- even if I don't really have anything new to write about.

I mentioned somewhere in a previous post that I wanted this blog to be about the earlier years of my life, and I will start that theme with my next entry. I'm thinking about changing the tagline of this blog to "Memories of a zephyr in the sky..." Sounds nice, but I dunno if it'll stick. We'll see.

Dreaming of my Emancipation

I haven't been writing in either of my journals as often as I should, but I promise to write more stuff soon. Not much has been happening to me. I've been helping out with STC, the collections team of PeopleSupport. It's status quo between me and Rolly. I'm still celibate, except that this time I don't want to be. Hehe.

I've amazingly been able to get a lot of sleep recently. It's partly because I've decided to work late afternoons this week, and last week I worked the morning shift. I've always told people that I hate working mornings cuz I hate crowds, traffic, noise, and sunlight. Although that used to be true, nowadays I only like the graveyard shift cuz I get paid more. I really prefer late morning or afternoon shifts, cuz that's really the only way for me to get enough sleep.

Anyway, I've been able to remember more of my dreams as of late. Last night I had a dream that I was in this big mall and there was a massive discount on all the items. I was looking for toiletries and got all the stuff I wanted. There was a Body Shop section in the mall, and I remember finding red cloth dye for P199.00 and I was wondering if I should get it to change the color of my jeans. I'm not sure if that dream meant anything significant, but it was a nice dream.

The other dream I had the other day was semi-lucid, because Marti and I were in a dark hallway and I was telling her you know there must be a reason why you are in my dream. We went down the hall, and at the end it was a ward of a mental institution where there were at least 15 beds. Romi was there, and we tried helping her escape. One of the doctors was there, and he tried to stop us by sedating Romi. Luckily I stopped him before he succeeded. Apparently Romi gave birth while she was there, and we were trying to rescue the baby too. I woke up before we could.

Romi said that the dream was about how I felt about her relationship with Sherwin, but I doubt that. I think it's more about me and Rolly. As much as Romi is having difficulty leaving her dead-end relationship, I'm having trouble leaving mine. Oh well. I don't need a dream to realize that.

I posted this in my other journal, but I will post this here too. I bought "The Emancipation Of Mimi", Mariah's new album. I love it. I think it's her best album ever. Slick sounds, slick lyrics, and she looks gorgeous on the album cover. The feel of the music is very 70s retro, a lot of the songs sound like they were casually recorded live, and Mariah is hitting the highest notes that she's hit since the early 90s. Above all though, I love the songs because they're mostly about having to move on from relationships that just didn't work out -- crying, saying goodbye, and finding someone else. At this point in my life, this album is my soundtrack...

Waiting for my Emancipation

I still haven't finished writing my last entry about Rolly. It's taking me a while because even now it's emotionally draining to think about us and our so-called relationship. Nothing has changed. We still meet. He still doesn't talk to me much cuz he feels awkward about the entire thing, as do I. He still goes to Tribu. He still asks me to check his grammar. I guess the only thing different is that we're slowly drifting further and further apart. It's for the best, I guess.

I can't seem to find a man to be with. I'm not even talking about someone for a relationship, cuz I know that will take a while. What I mean is that I can't seem to find someone to have sex with. It's not like before where if I wanted to find someone it only took me an hour in the chatroom before I got hooked. The closest I got to getting hooked recently was with Jasper, someone I had chatted with before. We were supposed to meet last Saturday. It didn't push through because he wanted it to be a threesome, and while we were looking for someone to join us he got logged off. He probably found someone else.

I bought "The Emancipation Of Mimi", Mariah's new album. I love it. I think it's her best album ever. Slick sounds, slick lyrics, and she looks gorgeous on the album cover. The feel of the music is very 70s retro, a lot of the songs sound like they were casually recorded live, and Mariah is hitting the highest notes that she's hit since the early 90s. Above all though, I love the songs because they're mostly about having to move on from relationships that just didn't work out -- crying, saying goodbye, and finding someone else. At this point in my life, this album is my soundtrack...

Status Quo [unfinished post]

It's been a long time since I updated this journal. I guess it's because one of the reasons I originally put up this blog is because I wanted to talk about my sex life. Now that I'm celibate, there's really nothing to talk about. Hehe. Kidding.

A lot has been going on. At work we're preparing for a new batch that will be coming in soon, and we all took tests for the Trainer Certification Program. I flunked 2 of the tests, which really pissed me off. I think the tests were too bookish. Outside of work, for the second time, me and Rolly broke up, even though we were never really together.

It all started a few weeks ago. I was on the way back to Manila from Lucena and I was texting Rolly. He told me that he was going to Tagaytay the following weekend, so I asked him who with. He said it was a secret. I thought it was weird because he wouldn't ordinarily not tell me who he was going with, unless it was another guy and he didn't want me to get hurt. So I asked him again. He said it was a new friend and that he would tell me the whole story once we got the chance to talk. I tried to press him for a few more details but all he said was not to worry cuz they were still getting to know each other. I asked for his name. The guy's name was Bryan.

Rolly has been with lots of men since he got back from Japan. Apart from Nann and Bhudz, he's been going to a bath house weekly and has sex with at least 2 men every time he's there. You'd think knowing that would have made me immune to him meeting Bryan, but it didn't. I don't mind him fucking other people who he has no feelings for. But it's different when he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with. Him being with someone else means that he doesn't want to be with me, and I still find it difficult imagining him with someone else.

I was so sad. I knew that it was inevitable for him to meet someone else, that sooner or later he would be in a relationship with someone else. I guess the reason I was so unhappy though is that no matter how much I told myself that he would never feel the same way for me, no matter how many times I told myself that a relationship between us just wouldn't work, there was always a part of me that didn't want to give up hope. Him meeting Bryan meant having to give up that hope. Although I had been preparing for something like it to happen, I didn't think it would happen that soon.

Back when Rolly first came back from Japan and told me he had met Nann, he suggested that we not see each other so that I could get over him. I said no, I'd be fine. The thought of not being able to ever see him again was too much for me to bear at the time. I'd rather him being partially in my life than not being there at all. In recent times however, especially after our Cebu trip, I've been thinking that maybe me not seeing him is a good idea. I started thinking that way around the time he started going to the bath house.

I didn't like him sleeping around, but I never told him. I didn't want him to think that by telling him that I was still in love with him, even if it was true. We worked so hard to rebuild our friendship last year, and I didn't want to destroy that by causing him to be paranoid and too careful about the things he said or did. At the same time though, keeping all of my feelings to myself didn't make it easy to move on, and to be honest I guess never really moved on.

Deep down, I've always known that the only sure fire way for me to move on was for me not to see Rolly. I never had the courage to tell him that though, because I didn't want him to be completely out of my life. Even if I told him that I only wanted to not see him temporarily, we might become so distant from each other that we couldn't be friends again. I didn't know if I was ready for that. But I did know that if I really wanted to not see him, Rolly would understand. I've always told myself that he doesn't need me, and could live the rest of his life just fine without me. So when he told me about his Bryan, it became clear that the time for me to really leave Rolly had come.

So going back to Bryan, a few days later Rolly texted me that Bryan and him agreed to formally get together. I was pretty upset, and although I had been putting it off for so long I finally decided to tell him that I didn't want to see him again. So I texted him and said goodbye.

I told him that I knew that he knew I still loved him, and I thanked him for pretending that he didn't know because that's the only reason he opened up to me more and it's the only reason our friendship had a chance to grow. I told him even though I knew we could never be together, even if I had been constantly telling myself that he didn't feel anything for me, it would still always hurt for me to see him with someone else. I told him that I didn't like him going to the baths. I told him about how I thought it was time for us not to see each other for a while, just like he suggested after he had first come back from Japan. I told him that the reason I didn't want to see him was not to forget him, cuz that would never happen, but because it would be the only way for me to move on and finally find someone else. I told him I still wanted to find out if he was leaving for Japan, and I'd still want to see him on his birthday. I told him that as much as I wanted him to be happy, I also wanted to be happy myself. I told him I would miss him, that no one had changed my life more. I told him that of all the things that happened to us, I would never forget Cebu, because that was where I found out that even if he didn't want to be with me, at least he respected my feelings for him. I told him that I knew he might become distant after telling him all this, but I said that I was willing to take that risk rather than not tell him all that I had been trying hard to hide from him. I told him to take care of Bryan and not to treat him like some plaything. I told him that I would always love him, and that I couldn't wait for the day when we could just be friends without either of us hiding anything from each other.

Of course while texting him all of this I was sobbing and crying, but I didn't feel as bad as when I first said goodbye back when I fould out he was with Nann. Somehow goodbye is easier the 2nd time around.

Rolly didn't reply straight away. I assumed he was with Bryan. I actually didn't want to talk with him anymore because I had a feeling that if we did, nothing would change. He'd pretend that I didn't say the things I did, and I'd still want to see him. So the next day when he was calling me at the office, I didn't answer until after he had tried a few times.

When I finally did answer, he asked what happened to me. I said that I had said everything that I needed to say. Then the next few things he said surprised me. He said that he had broken up with Bryan. When I asked him why, he said that it was because of me. He didn't want me to feel hurt. He asked don't I show you enough how much you mean to me? You're like family already. Don't worry, I wasn't really sure about my feelings for Bryan anyway. Besides, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than not have you with me.

That was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever said to me. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than not have you with me. At the same time, I was sad that he felt that he had to say that. I didn't want him to give up his own happiness just so that I would be happy. So I told him that that's not what I wanted to happen. I didn't want him to break up with Bryan. I wanted to meet him and talk with him. We decided to meet that Saturday. Rolly would meet Bryan first and talk to him too.

[thank you for waiting as I finish writing this post. thank you.]

And the cycle continues...

Something I wrote in Romi's blog:

"And the cycle continues.

Yet again you have decided to stay with the man who clearly doesn't deserve you and who you do not deserve. Yes, he is the center of your universe, and yes, I would agree that he is the single biggest factor that determines your happiness. But what you selectively forget is that he and the so-called relationship you have with him are also the single biggest factors that determine your sadness; and more often than not he causes you more sadness than happiness. Time and time again we, your friends, have tried to help you end this self-destructive cycle, and time and time again you have also refused to help yourself. Now I'm fucking pissed off.

Why is it that I loathe Sherwin so much? Around a year and a half ago, in the hopes of changing things for the better, I tried confronting him with all things that you yourself were afraid to confront him with at the time. Among other things, I told him that I thought he didn't appreciate you enough, that I thought he was immature, and that I thought you were better off with someone else. And what has changed in a year and a half? Nothing. I still think he doesn't appreciate you enough, I still think he is immature, and I still think you are better off with someone else. He continues to give me cause to think that way.

And dammit you're still with him. Inspite of the fact that he didn't comment when your college friends asked when you'd get married, inspite of the fact that he didn't react when you sent him a long letter explaining how upset you were, inspite of the fact that he selfishly put his own poor-me tummy-ache before being with you on your 5th anniversary, inspite of all the other things he has done to make you unhappy, inspite of the fact that he never satisfies you, you're still with him.

I cannot even begin to list all of the reasons why I think you should leave him. There are just too many. For one, none of your close friends like him. Your family only likes him because you withold the entire truth from them. The people who read your blog only like him because you censor what's here to avoid hurting him. For those who know what you've been through with this guy, we're pissed at this cycle: him doing something to upset you, you telling us about it, us telling you to leave him, you defending him and then eventually forgetting about what upset you, thereby making you and him happy again even though you never really solved anything. This has got to stop.

I realize that maybe some of my anger towards him is misplaced. I should be just as pissed off at you as I am at him. For all your intelligence and feminism, you are an idiot and a battered wife when it comes to Sherwin. You see the facts and blindly ignore them. The reasons why you should leave have long outnumbered the reasons why you should stay, and yet you're still with him. You think that there is still hope and that you can still change him. In reality, if he has not changed in 5 years, he will never change. And I hate the fact that everytime he gets upset over your relationship-angst, rather than focusing on resolving what's making you upset, you focus on the fact that he got upset because you told him that you were upset. In the end, you make yourself believe that you're the only one who's at fault, because you said something to make him unhappy. And that's bullshit.

I can understand the reasons why you want to stay with him, but I cannot understand why you cannot see that he is not the only man in the world that you could possibly be with. I do not understand why you think that he is the only straight man that can appreciate your intelligence, your wit, your beauty, your life, and all that you fight and work hard for. Many men would be thrilled to find someone like you. There are lots of other men who are more artistic, more intelligent, more sensitive, and more appreciative. And yet, as with all battered women, you choose to stay in a vicious cycle with this immature boy because you think he's the one, despite all the signs telling you that he is not. He cannot possibly be the one you were meant to be with. Surely the Universe is kinder to you than that.

Maybe you think that keeping him will help you forget all the other shit you have to put up with in your life -- numbing the other pains by focusing on this pain. Maybe you like the drama that you go through because of him. I truly believe that people create the situations that they are in, and if they find themselves stuck in a negative situation, it is because they like being in that situation. Be kinder to yourself. You do not deserve the shit you put yourself in.

I'm so disappointed in you. I was truly hoping that this last break-up would be the last. Others may have been happy that you reached 5 years with him, but I honestly couldn't have been less thrilled. 5 years of unnecessary pain. I cannot believe that yet again you have decided to be a masochistic servant to him and your relationship. You have become your own worst nightmare -- a feudal slave to a patriachal landlord.

I don't think that this post will have the effect I hope it will have. In fact it will most likely not. Ideally you would realize the error of your ways, leave him, learn to love yourself on your own terms, and not make your happiness so dependent on someone else. Eventually you would find someone else to be with, not because of how they make you feel, but because of how you make yourself feel when you're with him. In reality, you will probably never talk to me about Sherwin again, hoping that avoiding the topic and putting up appearances will make everything better. You will probably choose to suffer in silence, as most battered women do. And like most battered women, you will probably never admit that you are battering yourself just as much as your boy is.

Unlike most battered women, however, you have an arrogant friend like me in your life, and I don't care if this advice is warranted or not because you're still getting it. Leave him. I don't care if you leave him now, in five more more years after he has left you with 3 kids for some INK chick, or in fifty years at his deathbed. Leave. Your relationship with him is going nowhere, and it is pointless to go on with it because neither of you is mature enough to be in it.

I will seriously celebrate the day when you finally decide to permanently leave him. I was not kidding when I said that I would not attend your wedding, even if by some miracle he grows a spine, leaves his mother and decides to marry you. Don't even send me an invitation. I refuse to celebrate the day you decide to permanently wear the chains of your relationship to him. I have long given up any hope that any good could come out of your relationship. After 3 years of being your friend and witnessing how your relationship has progressed, I can safely say that you're better off without him, and it pisses me off that you refuse to see that.

As any true friend would, I will continue to pray that you will develop the strength to leave him. At this point that's all I can do. I can't force you to give up on him, and knowing how stubborn you are you probably never will, especially considering how you foolishly believe he's all that you have. But all the same. I still somehow have faith in you, inspite of your self-inflicted blindness. You will eventually make the right decision. I just know it. It just saddens me that it's taking you so long.

Love,
Josef"

BlogSpot Reborn

OK fine. Yeah, I said I wouldn't write another entry in this blog, but I couldn't resist. I don't have anything sex-related to write about (and even if I did, I would post it in my other blog and not here), but all the same I'm in the mood to write something. I think that there are some things I wouldn't mind letting people I'm not that close to know, and I will write about those things here.

First off, what's new. Not a lot really, although my cousin Benjie got a cardreader recently, so I've finally been able to upload all the pics that were on my phone online. You can check them out here. The pics remind of a lot of the stuff that happened to me last year, and I guess looking at them triggered my current sentimentality.

I've been very nostalgic too. Thiele, another cousin, is going back to Bahrain tomorrow. She recently found work there, and she will live with her husband who has been working there for more than a year. I was talking with her this morning about Bahrain, and she was talking about all the different places that she had been to. While she was saying the names of the places, in my mind I had images of what those places used to look like when I was there and I wondered how much they had changed. I wondered if all the malls and shops I used to go to in Manama were still there. I wondered if the Sheik's private beach was still open to the public. I wondered what St. Chris looked like.

Speaking of St. Chris, I go back to their website every now and then just to see how the school is doing. I spent 8 or so years of my life at that school, and although I enjoyed most of my time there I also had a few awkward years. I realize now how fortunate and well-off I was before, and although half of me wants to go back to that time in my life, the other half is content and happy that I've experienced all that I have. I'm probably not making much sense right now, but don't worry. I do have plans of writing about my life and stuff that happened to me in my earlier years here in this journal. Maybe when I have more time.

Welcome to DiaryLand!

(I originally posted this in my other blog.)

Welcome to the most arrogant and unapologetic blog in all of DiaryLand! In case you're wondering why I moved my blog here, it's because I found out that a lot of reps at work, mostly my former trainees, were reading my blog. I guess it was inevitable that they would eventually find my blog online, given that not only did I advertise my blog on Friendster, but Romi also made it the first link on her widely-read blog. In fact when I made my blog, although I only told my close friends about it, I was half hoping that other people would read it too. I wanted to see what it would be like to have anonymous fans. When I found out, however, that my fans included my former trainees, I freaked.

I first found out that people on the floor were reading my blog when Reich, one of the OICs for the e-mail team, showed the e-mail reps my baby pics. That wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't labelled my pics as the last pictures of me as a virgin. I'm guessing from there my blog spread across the team, because the other day when I attended the general assembly of the customer service team, Richard came up to me and said hey Josie I read your blog. How's your quota? Shit.

I panicked. As much I don't give a fuck what people think about me or about what I write in my blog, I don't think it's appropriate for my ex-trainees to know about that part of my life. Friends and even acquaintances (as long as they're not from the office), no problem. But at work I command a certain amount of respect (at least I think I do), and I'd like to keep it that way. And as much as I want to tell people about my life and what I think, I also believe you have to earn my trust before I tell you stuff I wouldn't normally tell the general public. Hence the new password-protected blog.

Oh well. Life as a notorious celebrity was short-lived, but it's better that way. Martina and I were imagining how I would respond to questions from people about why I took my other blog offline. We imagined being at a press conference where I'd be wearing sunglasses, with my dishevelled hair in a scarf. I'd be vehemently denying everything, pretending to be a victim. What a riot that would be.

DiaryLand

My new blog is at http://Zephyr002.DiaryLand.com. Eventually www.ZephyrInTheSky.tk will be forwarded there. Please e-mail me if you are my friend so I can give you the password.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Blogspot

ZephyrInTheSky's first blog: 10-07-04 to 02-02-05

I've deleted all my blog entries. I've saved them though, and will upload them as soon as I find a blog that will allow me to password-protect the entries.

I'm sorry it had to end this way. For a while it was fun publicly displaying my life. Now I think it's in my own best interest if I only share my thoughts with those who matter most to me.

If you are my friend, then please don't hesitate to e-mail me and I will give you the password to my new blog (once I have one). If you're just another perverted onlooker, then fuck off. There are enough perverts in my life as it is. Hehe.

Just kidding folks. Peace to all of you. Happy blogging.

Lovingly yours,
Josef

The last pictures of me as a virgin... :-p

Goals/Resolutions for 2005

Below are my goals/resolutions for 2005. This is something I originally wrote in the PDA journal.

(1) I will sleep with, fuck, or get fucked by at least 1 guy a week, on average, for the next 52 weeks, or however many weeks there are in 2005. The more I exceed the average, the better. All encounters will, of course, be safe. I promise to maintain my basic policy that I will not have sex with anyone I don't find attractive or appealing just for the sake of meeting my quota. If I find a regular fuck buddy or if I, by some miracle, actually find a boyfriend, then this goal will be set aside -- assuming of course that me and whoever it is I'm with have sex at least twice a week.

(2) I will go to the gym religioiusly until I lose my tummy, and I will try my best to resume my practice of eating only half a cup of rice a day max. I will not drink softdrinks, eat candy, or consume lots of carbs until my tummy is gone.

(3) I will try harder to save lots of money and I will not spend lots of money when I go out to bars. I will try to regularly bring packed lunches to work. I will force my men to split the bill for the motel, or better yet find men who have their own place.

(4) I will update my online journal regularly even if I don't have anything sex-related to write about.

(5) I will try being more profound and deep again -- haha! I think I've been a bit too shallow these past few months. But then again who cares. I was profound and deep in college. Did I get laid in college? No. Enough said.

That's all I have for now. I'm sure that I will think of more resolutions as the year goes on.

I'm a... S-L-A-V-E... for you...

I haven't had sex with anyone since last week. My average is now down to one man every two months. I really don't mind though. Celibacy doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Maybe it's because recently I have been concentrating on going to the gym and getting physically fit. Last year going to the gym made my libido soar, but I guess the same doesn't apply this year.

I was supposed to meet Mark last week. He may not be the most gorgeous guy but he's always nice to me and the sex is mostly good. Somehow though we couldn't work out a meeting cuz our scheds were hectic. I was also supposed to meet Jorge, but he seemed mega-busy with either lots of errands or lots of men. Brian has been texting me but he seems overeager and that irritates me.

One guy I wanted to meet really badly at first was the_wave. That's his chat nick. I never really knew what his real name was because I don't think I ever got round to asking. He intrigued me because in his ad in the main room of Bi-Manila he was asking if anyone was into S&M. For some reason I macked him and said hey I am. I asked if he was a top and he said yes. I asked if he had a pic and when he gave me one my God he was cute.

Then he asked me if I had ever done this before and I said no. He said that if we were to meet I would have to agree to all of his rules otherwise I would be punished. Then he posted a long list of rules, the gist of which was that he was my master and I was his slave, I had to call him 'Sir' and do everything he said without complaining otherwise he would punish me, stuff like that.

I must admit that I have always been fascinated by bondage, S&M, candlewax dripping and stuff like that. I've always imagined myself to be the master, not the slave, although recently I've wondered what it's like to be dominated by someone. Something about the_wave really intrigued me. So I told him yes I agreed to his rules -- provided that he would use a condom if he fucked me and that he wouldn't use any knives or make me bleed. He said fine wait for my call on Monday morning.

I was really excited and anxious to meet him, but at the same time I was kinda tense because I was thinking that shit he could be a real psychopath. What if he didn't stop punching me or whatever even if I asked him to stop? What if he was into fisting? What if he really was into knife-play?

Now the Sunday evening before he was supposed to call, I slept over at Romi's place. This was the same day I met Alex. When I woke up on Monday I was too groggy and lazy to make it back home in time to receive his call. When I arrived home I saw that he had called several times. Shit he's going to be pissed I thought. I would have called him back if he hadn't blocked his phone number from the caller ID. I went back to Bi-Manila and tried finding him in the chatroom but I couldn't see his nick anywhere. What I did see though was someone saying they were a slave looking for a master.

I macked the slave boy, showed him the_wave's pic, and asked if he recognized the guy. He said yes, he met the guy and they had a 10 hour session before. Apparently the_wave was into fisting, shoving bottles up asses, dripping candlewax all over, and other crazy shit. No knives though. That pretty much settled it for me. It was a good thing we didn't meet. I feel disappointed that I didn't get to be fucked by someone as cute as him, but at the same time I was in no mood to get Coke bottles shoved up my butt.

Oh by the way, since I mentioned that I slept over at Romi's house the day I met Alex, I should mention that when I got to Romi's place, her dog Shira was barking madly at me. After she, the dog, recognized me, she wouldn't stop sniffing me. I tried hard not to laugh while she was doing it because I realized that maybe it wasn't me that Shira didn't recognize, but the scent of Alex on my body. Haha.

Mama Mary watches over us...

I'm finally back in the office, and it feels good because I was so bored in Lucena. I know I haven't finished writing my recap of 2004, but I think that writing this will take less time.

I met Alex last Sunday. I had chatted with him while I was in Lucena during one of those days of unbearable ennui when I was completely horny but couldn't do anything about it. We had decided that as soon as I got back to Manila we would meet. Sure enough, not more than two hours from the time I arrived in Pasig, after having spent the previous 4 hours on a bus ride that made my butt sore, I was on my way to his place so we could fuck.

I was pretty eager to meet Alex because he looked pretty good in the pic he showed me when we chatted. He wasn't drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but he looked looked tall, big, and like a sex-crazed psychopath -- in short, completely my type. I also wanted to meet him as soon as possible because I wanted to end my celibacy, which started when I got back from Cebu in November. I may have been dry towards the end of 2004, but I had made up my mind to start 2005 with a bang -- literally and figuratively. Hehe.

It took me a little an hour to get to Taguig, where he lived. I usually don't like meeting men who live far from my place, but considering how none of the other men I had set meetings with were available, I was willing to travel for him. When I finally arrived at the place where he said that he would meet me, I wasn't too impressed when I saw him. He was just around my height, had some gray hair, and didn't have as big a body as I thought he would. He was still somewhat cute though, which is the sole reason I decided to still have sex with him. If he wasn't cute I would have gone back home.

He was pretty quiet. We didn't talk on the way to his house. I didn't mind that completely, but I kinda figured that since he didn't seem that interested, we wouldn't see each other again after we had sex. Not that it bothered me. I was supposed to meet lots of other men too, and I had set a lot of EBs throughout this week. Meeting Alex was sort of like a formality just so that I wouldn't have any of those what-might-have-been-if-we-had-only-met-each-other moments I sometimes have when I think about some of the men I chatted with in the past.

As soon as he opened the door to his apartment, I was semi-shocked. There in his hallway was a huge, grandiose, and glittery statue of Mama Mary. It was the kind of statue that devotees at churches would flock to and pray over. At one point he did mention that he was a freelance interior designer, and had just finished working on the home of Oscar Peralta, one of the local fashion designers. I figured that the reason the statue was there was that he was working on another project. Then again maybe he really was a religious devotee. It was still kinda weird though. His place was small, so through the doorway of his bedroom I could still see her while I was sitting down on the floor. Oh well.

He wasn't kidding when he said that he was an interior designer. I've never seen a small apartment that was decorated as well as his was. He had pictures on the walls, rattan sticks bordering the lights, drapes covering the ceilings, and, of course, a glittery statue of Mama Mary in the hallway. Sadly though, as great as he was in decorating, he was a complete dud when came to fucking. I swear, he just lay there with a pillow over his face and expected me to do all the work. For a while I was like ok his cock is big enough and it's been a while since I last had sex so I might as well put up with it. But you can only have so much fun with an inanimate sex toy. I spent most of my time watching myself in the mirror as I sucked him off. Damn, if my tummy was a little bit smaller, I'd make one fine porn star.

We ended with neither of us satisfied, and I actually had to leave his house with lubricant still up my ass because he didn't have any clean, running water in his bathroom. Shit. So maybe it didn't go as well as I thought it would. It's OK. There will be many more men this year. That I promise you. Haha.