And the cycle continues...

Something I wrote in Romi's blog:

"And the cycle continues.

Yet again you have decided to stay with the man who clearly doesn't deserve you and who you do not deserve. Yes, he is the center of your universe, and yes, I would agree that he is the single biggest factor that determines your happiness. But what you selectively forget is that he and the so-called relationship you have with him are also the single biggest factors that determine your sadness; and more often than not he causes you more sadness than happiness. Time and time again we, your friends, have tried to help you end this self-destructive cycle, and time and time again you have also refused to help yourself. Now I'm fucking pissed off.

Why is it that I loathe Sherwin so much? Around a year and a half ago, in the hopes of changing things for the better, I tried confronting him with all things that you yourself were afraid to confront him with at the time. Among other things, I told him that I thought he didn't appreciate you enough, that I thought he was immature, and that I thought you were better off with someone else. And what has changed in a year and a half? Nothing. I still think he doesn't appreciate you enough, I still think he is immature, and I still think you are better off with someone else. He continues to give me cause to think that way.

And dammit you're still with him. Inspite of the fact that he didn't comment when your college friends asked when you'd get married, inspite of the fact that he didn't react when you sent him a long letter explaining how upset you were, inspite of the fact that he selfishly put his own poor-me tummy-ache before being with you on your 5th anniversary, inspite of all the other things he has done to make you unhappy, inspite of the fact that he never satisfies you, you're still with him.

I cannot even begin to list all of the reasons why I think you should leave him. There are just too many. For one, none of your close friends like him. Your family only likes him because you withold the entire truth from them. The people who read your blog only like him because you censor what's here to avoid hurting him. For those who know what you've been through with this guy, we're pissed at this cycle: him doing something to upset you, you telling us about it, us telling you to leave him, you defending him and then eventually forgetting about what upset you, thereby making you and him happy again even though you never really solved anything. This has got to stop.

I realize that maybe some of my anger towards him is misplaced. I should be just as pissed off at you as I am at him. For all your intelligence and feminism, you are an idiot and a battered wife when it comes to Sherwin. You see the facts and blindly ignore them. The reasons why you should leave have long outnumbered the reasons why you should stay, and yet you're still with him. You think that there is still hope and that you can still change him. In reality, if he has not changed in 5 years, he will never change. And I hate the fact that everytime he gets upset over your relationship-angst, rather than focusing on resolving what's making you upset, you focus on the fact that he got upset because you told him that you were upset. In the end, you make yourself believe that you're the only one who's at fault, because you said something to make him unhappy. And that's bullshit.

I can understand the reasons why you want to stay with him, but I cannot understand why you cannot see that he is not the only man in the world that you could possibly be with. I do not understand why you think that he is the only straight man that can appreciate your intelligence, your wit, your beauty, your life, and all that you fight and work hard for. Many men would be thrilled to find someone like you. There are lots of other men who are more artistic, more intelligent, more sensitive, and more appreciative. And yet, as with all battered women, you choose to stay in a vicious cycle with this immature boy because you think he's the one, despite all the signs telling you that he is not. He cannot possibly be the one you were meant to be with. Surely the Universe is kinder to you than that.

Maybe you think that keeping him will help you forget all the other shit you have to put up with in your life -- numbing the other pains by focusing on this pain. Maybe you like the drama that you go through because of him. I truly believe that people create the situations that they are in, and if they find themselves stuck in a negative situation, it is because they like being in that situation. Be kinder to yourself. You do not deserve the shit you put yourself in.

I'm so disappointed in you. I was truly hoping that this last break-up would be the last. Others may have been happy that you reached 5 years with him, but I honestly couldn't have been less thrilled. 5 years of unnecessary pain. I cannot believe that yet again you have decided to be a masochistic servant to him and your relationship. You have become your own worst nightmare -- a feudal slave to a patriachal landlord.

I don't think that this post will have the effect I hope it will have. In fact it will most likely not. Ideally you would realize the error of your ways, leave him, learn to love yourself on your own terms, and not make your happiness so dependent on someone else. Eventually you would find someone else to be with, not because of how they make you feel, but because of how you make yourself feel when you're with him. In reality, you will probably never talk to me about Sherwin again, hoping that avoiding the topic and putting up appearances will make everything better. You will probably choose to suffer in silence, as most battered women do. And like most battered women, you will probably never admit that you are battering yourself just as much as your boy is.

Unlike most battered women, however, you have an arrogant friend like me in your life, and I don't care if this advice is warranted or not because you're still getting it. Leave him. I don't care if you leave him now, in five more more years after he has left you with 3 kids for some INK chick, or in fifty years at his deathbed. Leave. Your relationship with him is going nowhere, and it is pointless to go on with it because neither of you is mature enough to be in it.

I will seriously celebrate the day when you finally decide to permanently leave him. I was not kidding when I said that I would not attend your wedding, even if by some miracle he grows a spine, leaves his mother and decides to marry you. Don't even send me an invitation. I refuse to celebrate the day you decide to permanently wear the chains of your relationship to him. I have long given up any hope that any good could come out of your relationship. After 3 years of being your friend and witnessing how your relationship has progressed, I can safely say that you're better off without him, and it pisses me off that you refuse to see that.

As any true friend would, I will continue to pray that you will develop the strength to leave him. At this point that's all I can do. I can't force you to give up on him, and knowing how stubborn you are you probably never will, especially considering how you foolishly believe he's all that you have. But all the same. I still somehow have faith in you, inspite of your self-inflicted blindness. You will eventually make the right decision. I just know it. It just saddens me that it's taking you so long.

Love,
Josef"