Confessions of a 19-year old Josef

I have lots of other things to do but I'm not in the mood to do any of them. I will re-write something that I wrote in the PDA journal almost 5 years ago a few months before graduation. I don't remember feeling any of this but it's a nice read.

Wed, Nov 29, 2000

Hi. I was very melodramatic last Thursday. I was feeling depressed, so I went to Parañaque to rediscover my roots. It was OK. The trip was a bit emotional, but I needed to go back. I do that whevener I get nostalgic and slightly depressed. You know, maybe I'm too caught up in the past, which is weird. I have no idea why I'm like that. As usual I'm beginning to feel like I have to move on and leave. I have to leave UP and I have to leave Bagong Ilog. I'm not sure if I don't fit in anymore, or if it really just is time to move on and start another chapter in my life. In any case I can't do that just yet. I desperately want to get this graduation thing over with. I don't have enough space here in Pasig. Although mind you most of the time I'm either not here or I'm alone. Anyway. I dunno.

Bummer. Jed is still in love with his ex-boyfriend. Shit. As in he's madly in love, it's a tragic love affair whatever. Shit. The last thing I need is another guy who's madly in love with someone else. Enough is enough. Why are all my men like that?

My suicidal tendencies are starting again. And I'm not sure if it's the tragic kind of suicide that I'm going for. Hmmm. It's just that I think life would be so much better if I were dead. I don't really have any regrets about this life. But enough is enough. I just feel so weak sometimes. My life does have direction, and I pretty much know where I'm headed. But everything's taking so long that I think I've changed my direction too much. I've exercised too much freedom of choice. I'd like to die passively. Hit by a bus (in an instant and painless way). Or in my sleep. I really don't know what my problem is. Or maybe I do know but I'm just avoiding it. Or maybe I'm focusing too much on my problem and/or maybe I'm just thinking this all up.

Possible major problems/reasons why I'm feeling the way I do:
1. Lack of independence -- I really have to start making my own money. I hate having to depend on others. It's not fair to be spending money other people have earned. Although I'm pretty sure my career will turn out well no matter where I go, that stuff is in the future. For the moment it still kinda sucks.
2. Change has always bothered me -- Although I'm rather volatile, I do prefer stability. It's hard going through this stage where everyone is getting ready to leave school and start their lives even if I know this is inevitable and I really want this to happen, but somehow it's all so sad. Then again, I'm so used to abrupt changes so it really shouldn't feel this bad. Maybe I've gotten too used to the idea of changing.
3. I'm becoming too loner-ish -- I really don't communicate with the rest of the world as much as I should. Even during the times when I was a light and bubbly positive person I never really said anything that would give anybody any clue as to who I was. Just to Juris I guess. And Jean. Marie probably identified with my good-trying-to-be-bad-and-succeeding phase. Jhona is a bit like me -- openly gay, but still kinda in the closet because I don't really say anything.

Oy! I hope I'm not manic depressive. Every now and then I do become happy. But then all of a sudden I become upset for the smallest of reasons. I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm writing this at night. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. But I have rehearsals tomorrow; meaning I have to go to UP. For some reason I find UP so suffocating these days. It's like when I get to UP I feel very sad all of a sudden. That's why I can't stay in UP for very long. In a way it sort of helps that my day starts when everyone else's ends (I have evening classes) cuz that way I can be alone a lot more.

I have to see Joel. Joel has to find me again. He has to find me soon...

At least I'm not taking my angst out on anyone else this time. I'm pretty much positive towards other people. At least my negativity is self-contained. No one else is getting affected. Well, except for you, if you read this. But at least I'm not affecting you intentionally. And at least I'm isolating myself because of sadness and not anger...

I can imagine what it'll be like when the four of us finally live together in one house. What if all of a sudden I get all crazy and feel like being a loner again? Shit. Even now I can imagine leaving for Ilocos in the middle of the night and leaving you people a tiny little note saying that I have to take a breather. Would you be shocked? I can really imagin myself doing that -- going off to somewhere distant without telling anyone where I was going. Hopefully if I ever do that I won't be suicidal, otherwise I might just jump off a cliff, or throw myself into a volcano. I dunno.

I am destitute and impoverished. Not that it's anything to be sad about. I'm just saying that because it's true. I have like 20 pesos to get me through until next Wednesday. That's 7 days from now. 20 divided by 7 is around 2.75 pesos per day. Wow... But I'm not really concerned about money problems that much. That's a good sign, I think. I mean, I'm aware that I'll have so much to pay for after college, but I don't think money problems should be a reason to get upset. Right? It's not like I'm that bad off. My ATM card's just bust.

I think I've gotten too obsessed with getting rich. What happened to wanting to change the world through my art? And what happened to wanting to get the message of my life across? I've given up on too many of my dreams. Not all of my dreams are mateial. Yeah fine, I want a house, a car, whatever. But my life isn't about that. Oh well. All I know is that whatever my career turns out to be, by 28 I'm going to stop or at least slow down because I want to raise children. Someone told me that I would adopt a child when I'm 28. I want to be prepared for that. My career better turn out well in the 9 years before I adopt, because when that time comes my career should no longer be a major concern. This negative-bitch phase of mine should also be over with by that time. If I ever decide on working abroad, I'll also have to be done with that phase of my life by that time because I want to raise my children here. I dunno if I'll have a husband or a lover at that time, but if I do he'd better be very supportive or else he can just get the Hell out of my life.

I am going to be a mother when I grow up. That is my career path. Maybe that's why I find it so hard to imagine what I'm going to be after graduation. I just want to be a mother when I'm 28. God knows what I will be in the 9 years until then.

I have so much work to do if I want to be a mother. 9 years is enough to change for the better, I think. Things I have to work on:
1. In general, I don't like children. I find most children irritating and annoying. Now that is a major obstacle to motherhood. Cuteness wears out very quickly in my eyes. There have only ever been 2 children that I've liked -- my little brother and sister. The rest just piss me off.
2. I'm lazy. Very. That's another big obstacle. As it is with Lisa and Jelu, I'm too lazy to bring them to school, pick them up, go back to school for their lunch break. And then there's homework. It's a good thing that Lisa and Jelu are geniuses. What if my kid wasn't? I therefore also have to develop patience.

That's all I have to write for now. I will write again tomorrow. Don't worry. I feel better now. I just hope this lasts.