For lack of anything better to do, I went back to my first journal and read through some of my old entries. Here's something you might find interesting. It's a post that I didn't make public, and it's about the very first time Rolly, my first boyfriend, broke my heart.

July 9th, 2004

Many things have happened since the last time I wrote here. For the first time in a long time, I've wanted to write something but not for public consumption. I will include all my e-mail conversations with Rolly.

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed, 26 May 2004 13:27:55 +0900
kumusta? i mis u!

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 16:15:51 +0900
oo ako yan. i cn txt u sa net. try ko rin s smart tatawagan kta

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 16:21:39 +0900
khit dto s net ok lang. mablis pa

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 17:13:06 +0900
hnde mura lang. am txtng tru cel lang. mga 500 pesos a month. mis u!

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 01:38:21 +0900
ganun? i sent u pic nakita mb? kelan balik m?

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 03:12:38 +0900
kala ko for gud kna. e nasan npo sulat ko hmm? bday kna ah ala pko sulat? mis u.

Rolly always likes reading letters from me.

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 2004 17:32:49 +0900
sure! xtra time for u. kc madami aackasuhn pagblik ko. xpired n arb ko ska prctis p me db? mis u
tu.

From: il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2004 01:03:43 +0900
tlga plan ko punta jan by aug 6 pag uwi ko. mis u din. mwah!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/8/2004 11:48 AM
i2 yung ofc email ko.mas tntingnan ko email na2.mis u.mlungkot ako s Cbu.mis ko n frnds ko s mnila.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/8/2004 12:33 PM
hi. anu ung mail m? dko nbsa. uwi knb hehehe. mis u. mwah!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/8/2004 12:38 PM
i2 yung ofc email ko.mas tntingnan ko email na2.mis u.mlungkot ako s Cbu.mis ko n frnds ko s mnila.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/8/2004 12:39 PM
ganun b? musta k jan? masaya b? sana sama ako.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/8/2004 12:47 PM
mlungkot ako s Cbu.mis ko n frnds ko s mnila.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/8/2004 6:19 PM
mali mail m. umg msg m nasa re:

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/9/2004 7:33 AM
sadya yun kc di mo ata mbsa yung lmn ng msg ko.mis u.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/9/2004 7:35 AM
e bakit ngaun nbasa kna. ingatan m sarili mo ah. kailangan buo k pagbalik ko.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/9/2004 7:49 AM
haha!bkit.anong ggwin mo sakin? =)

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/9/2004 8:15 AM
cmpre ako nakauna sau db? bka macra k ng iba

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/9/2004 9:14 AM
hnde yun mngyyari. =)

This is where the sadness begins.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:07 AM
ang lungkot ng pnginip ko kgbi.may iba k n,tpos tntago mo sakin.hnahalikan mo p sya s hrapan ko.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:08 AM
kung may iba k n,ok lng, bsta sabihin mo.wg mo tago.maiintindihan ko nmn.mlulngkot nga lng ako.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 11:11 AM
ows? tapos ano daw? malungkot kc jan. kung anu ano iniicp m. kelan kb uwi?

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:13 AM
s 19 p uwi ko.bsta pg may iba k n,sbhin mo lng.mintindihan ko nmn. =(

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 11:16 AM
meron pero dkp nakkta.taga valenzuela.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 11:59 AM
panong d mo p nkkta?txtmate?chatmate?

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 12:05 PM
pnkilala ng ksamahan ko dto. kpatid nya. dnt wory dto p rin ako.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 12:27 PM
ok lng kung ms gs2 mo sya.frnds prin nmn tayo.alam ko nmn n mhirap kc mlayo ako syo.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 2:19 PM
josef dp kmi cgurado ska isa lang titiyakin ko sa iyo. i wil alwys be hir for u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 2:46 PM
sige.gudnyt n.bsta kya ako mlngkot kc I love u.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Sat 6/12/2004 2:50 PM
ktulad m at ktulad nya malau skin. minsanan lang magkita. mahirap db. on my part tu. dnt be sad. lets wait for d ryt tym. il be hir dnt wory. mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/12/2004 4:01 PM
bsta mis kta.plgi kta iniicp.lam ko mhirap.bsta kung san k msya,sakin mn o sa iba,msya dn ako,khit mhrap sakin.i luv u.gudnyt.

I called Rolly immediately after my last message. He tried reassuring me that it wasnt anything serious while I tried desperately not to cry over the phone. The dream really traumatized me. The fact that it was true was partially true was one thing, but the details were vivid. He was kissing someone who wasn't all that good looking, and he tried to pretend they were just friends. I was totally unconsolable in my dream, and I couldn't find anyone to talk to. I tried going to Puerto Galera, but the last boat had left for the day. I tried talking with Dexter and Marc, but they were busy with their lovers. Rolly tried telling me that the person his friend introduced to him wasn't great looking, so I had nothing to worry about. That made me worry even more, because I never told Rolly that the other person in my dream also wasn't that great looking.

Around this time is when I had trouble sleeping in Cebu. 4 hours a day lang tulog ko kasi palagi ko naiisip panaginip ko, and I was always on the verge of tears. I came to learn that everytime I had 'missing-pangs' where I missed Rolly terribly, whenever I e-mailed him after, it would turn out that he had just talked with his other guy. What made me more sad was the fact that I couldn't complain because he didn't promise me anything, and it wasn't like I didn't have other men either.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 6/14/2004 5:52 AM
I miss u. Have a nice week. Always keep in touch. Take care palagi. Love Josef

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Mon 6/14/2004 6:36 AM
mis u tu. wg k msyado magpapagod. did u enjyd d outing? ingat plagi i care for u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 6/14/2004 9:09 AM
ok nmn outing pero d ko msydo nenjoy kc mrmi ako iniicp.i care 4 u too.i luv u.ingat plgi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/15/2004 12:44 PM
nasa ofc ako ngyn.jst wnted to say gudnyt.always take care.sweet dreams.i miss you.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/15/2004 4:03 PM
mis u din. nktlog me. restday nmin e. pagod kc me pumunta me ng tokyo knina nagbulet train me. ingatan m sarili m ha? mwah!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/15/2004 4:45 PM
huy!ang sya nmn.yun yng gs2 ko gwin pg nkpnta ako ng Jpn,smkay s blet tren.cnong pntahan mo s Tkyo? =P

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/15/2004 11:21 PM
uy sori nktulog ako. npagod ako s byahe. pano kc s bulet train parang airplane. may seat alocation. e di ko alam dapat sa car3 me e nsa 18 ako. lumalakad me punta ng 3 e gumegewang nkakhilo!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/16/2004 8:55 AM
Kwwa k nmn.Ako nmn d msydo mk2log d2.Ewn bkit.Aircon nmn yng bngay nlang aprtmnt.Kelan k nga ulit bblik d2?Pra mk-file nko ng leav.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/16/2004 9:03 AM
july 27. wag kna magleave sayang nman mgging bc din kc me. pde tau mamasyal aftr prctise. db? mis u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/16/2004 9:05 AM
dko kc alam sked ko nun e buti nlng mgleav ako pra d ako pgod after wrk.ayoko mngyari yung ngyri last tym n d tyo ngkita.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/16/2004 9:33 AM
nagkta nman tau db? pro saglit lang. cge d bale try ko more tym.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/16/2004 9:37 AM
sbrng nlungkot ako lst tym k nnd2 kc nga d tyo msydo ngkita.iyak ako ng iyak,d ko lng cnabi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 6/18/2004 5:31 PM
Hey.I ms u.Uwi nko Mnla s Sunday,tpos drtso ko sLcena.May pslubong ako syo.Bgay ko syo pgpnta mo d2.Happy Weekend.I love you.

il--eu@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 6/18/2004 10:32 PM
hi mis u too. ano nman kya yan? enjoy b cebu? blik kb dun? pag mahaba bkasyon k sa pinas punta din me cebu. ingat k lagi. hv tym to take rest! mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/19/2004 9:01 AM
maliit lng n souvnir.mtgal p cgro bgo ako blik s Cbu.Cno ksma mo f evr?Mkk-rest lng ako cgro pgpnta ko ng Lcna.Miss u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/22/2004 12:05 AM
Nsa Mnila nko ulit.Pmnta ako ng Lcena khpn.Khpn lng ako nk2log ng mayos.Mis u n.Di ko maantay yng pgblik mo d2.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/26/2004 8:29 AM
nmi-mis n nmn kta.sna d k niistorbo s mga email ko.advncd Happy BDay.twgan kta s Mnday.Luv u.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 6/26/2004 8:29 AM
May parada pla s Malate ngyn.Pnta kmi ng mga ofc mates ko.Mggstuhn mo dmit ko.Happy Gay Pride Month!

By this time Rolly got the letter I sent him. I sent a card in Tagalog that had a really deep message, and then I included a handwritten letter that mentioned all my hurts and pains over the past year, starting with how sad I was the last time he was here because we didn't see each other that much, up until my dream and how miserable the thought of him being with someone else was making me. He called me as soon as he got the letter. He was happy. He did mention though that he got upset with his other guy cuz he asked for a letter and the other guy didn't want to send him one. I was glad that he was happy I sent him a letter, but sad that he asked the other guy to send him one too. My letters to him are what make me unique among all the men he's been with. I didn't want to share that with anyone.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Tue 6/29/2004 7:10 PM
roly hir. my new email ad. pls send ur tots hir. mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Tue 6/29/2004 11:17 PM
I mis u.Npdlhan k n b ng k-flirt mo ng sulat?Wg mo n antayin.D k nmn nya mhal k2lad ko...

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Wed 6/30/2004 3:56 AM
wla la nga inaaway ko nga. hehehe

Josef Albert Bertumen
Wed 6/30/2004 4:48 AM
buti nmn.hehe.i luv u.take care s trbaho.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Thu 7/1/2004 8:23 AM
july n.mlpit k n bmlik d2.excted nko.sna mas mrmi tyong tym n ksma.ilang wks k b d2?

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/2/2004 2:50 AM
sbrang bc ako s wrk.nkkpgod.sna d k kcng pgod dyn.mis u.hapi wkend.mgkkta tayo soon.july n.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/2/2004 3:33 AM
oo nga malapit na.xcited n nga ako. uwing uwi nko. mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/2/2004 3:36 AM
sna d k nkkulitn s mga email ko.mis lng kta.sna mis mo rn ako.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/2/2004 4:11 AM
cmpre ikaw pa. ingat k lagi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Sat 7/3/2004 11:28 AM
nmis n nmn kta.mg-ingt k plgi.i luv u.wg mo klimutan yun.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 7/5/2004 4:55 AM
msta?sna mging msya yng lngo n2 pra sau.fvrite song ko ngyn yng 'Thru D Fire' ni Chka Kan kc naicp kta s lyrics.I luv u.Ingat plgi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 7/5/2004 7:46 AM
ilang characters yung maximum na mababasa mo sa e-mail mo na to?

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Mon 7/5/2004 8:10 AM
6000　musta u? pauwi nko malapit na.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Mon 7/5/2004 8:21 AM
6000 charaters? yun naman pala e. nagtitipid pa naman din ako sa space. nami-miss na talaga kita. palagi nga ako nagda-drama dito. oh well. ganyan talaga ang buhay. i love you. ingat ka palagi.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Mon 7/5/2004 8:25 AM
kya nga pag ngtxt k damihan m.mis u din. ingat k lagi.

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/9/2004 12:37 AM
musta na?malapit ka ng bumalik dito.excited na ako.alam mo na ba kung 2 weeks ka dito?sure na ba na 27 yung balik mo?sana mas marami tayong time na magkasama.sana di rin kayo magkita ng isa mong ka-flirt.hehe.joke lang.sige na nga,di siya masyado joke.malulungkot ako kung mangyari yun.pero ok lang.bahala ka na,basta i still love you,at sana wag di mo makalimutan yun.sana makasama ako sayo sa cebu kung 2 weeks ka dito,pero parang malabo yun.tingnan ko.pati nahihiya akong sumama kung kasama mo friend mo na manglilibre sayo.basta tingnan natin pagdating mo.miss you.ingat ka palagi.i love you.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/9/2004 12:51 AM
yup dating ko 27 ng gabi. i duno kung two wiks me pro sure ung cebu. mis din kta cmpre at d kta mkklimutan. kita tau ha? mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/9/2004 1:33 AM
siempre magkikita tayo.kaya nga ako magli-leave,diba?kung 1 week ka lang tapos punta ka sa cebu,konti lang time natin together.ok lang.kung saan ka masaya.i love you.

iloveu28@c.vodafone.ne.jp
Fri 7/9/2004 1:44 AM
kc i rili hv to take rest. ung alang masyadong iicpin．masyado ako npgod dto. ingat u mis u!

Josef Albert Bertumen
Fri 7/9/2004 2:24 AM
alam ko naman yun.isang beses lang sa isang buwan ba naman mag-rest day.sige.enjoy lang.miss you.

Before I had sent that last email, the realization hit me that Rolly didn't feel for me what I felt for him. He was talking about how he would 'try' to make more time for me, and he seemed more excited about going to Cebu than about seeing me because that's where he would be able to rest. Apparently nakakapagod din ako.

So there. Sadness. I've started looking for other men, again. Not that I'm excited about the prospect. Ewan. We'll see. I miss him so much it hurts.