The end of the affair...

I'm back in Manila. I guess I was in Cebu for too long, because I soon as I arrived I was immediately irritated by the traffic, the smog, and the heat. I'm already handling a new class. So far they have been nice to me.

Rolly left Cebu for Manila earlier than I did. He left Saturday afternoon. He needed to leave early because he needed to prepare stuff for his nephew's baptism. I was supposed to be at the baptism with him because they made me one of the godparents, but I wanted to stay in Cebu to meet Elaine and Romi. I wasn't too thrilled about Rolly leaving for Manila last Saturday because apart from him having to prepare for the baptism, he was also going to meet Richard, one of his ex's. Although he didn't explicitly say so, I kinda had that feeling that they were going to sleep with each other. I didn't like the feeling.

OK fine. Yes, Rolly and I did have sex while he was in Cebu. We weren't planning to though. In fact, we had agreed beforehand that we wouldn't. He was paranoid about me falling in love with him again, and I was paranoid about him getting paranoid about me falling in love with him again. But considering that we were sleeping in the same bed, and considering how touchy-feely we both are, I guess it was inevitable.

Tuesday afternoon was the first time we did it. We were just lying in bed, half asleep, and we had our arms wrapped around each other. It was all innocent at first, and we were honestly just cuddling in the cool bed. Gradually though we wrapped otherselves deeper and deeper into each other, and we started rubbing up against each other. Even though the air conditioning was on, the room seemed really hot, so I took my shirt off. That's when he started pumping his cock against my chest, and that's when I decided that ok it looks like he wants to fuck. I took the covers off of us, pulled his shorts down and gave him a blowjob for the first time since last year. He wasn't as huge as I remembered him to be, but he was still pretty big.

When he came though it was like he was struck by lightning. All of a sudden a big wave of regret rushed over him, and he started apologizing. Oh God, Josef, sorry, he said. He went on -- shit, I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged my face so tightly into his chest that I was like wait let go of me first I can't breathe. Sorry, Josef, sorry he pleaded. When he finally let go I tried to reassure him that hey it was nothing we're still friends. He was like I knew I shouldn't have come to Cebu because I knew it was inevitable this would happen and I'm worried about you falling in love with me again I should go back to Manila right now. To which I replied I'm not going to fall in love with you again don't worry because I know that it's better if we stay friends. That didn't seem to work though because he left the bed and curled into a ball somewhere on the floor. Are you OK I asked. No I'm not he said.

So after the first time we did it I was kinda scared shit that we might lose this great friendship that we had worked so hard to repair and build since he came back from Japan. I knew that sex would totally complicate everything, and in the back of my mind I knew that we shouldn't have done what we did because we were both paranoid about what would happen to us after. Of course, it turns out that I didn't have anything to be worried about, because I blew him another couple of times after. Hehe. He complimented me and said I was definitely a whole lot better at sucking cock now than I was last year. I guess I have to thank Carlo a lot for that -- although I will write more about him another time. In the end we dropped any hang-ups we had had about what would happen to us after Cebu, and that helped us enjoy what we were doing. We were just simply having sex as any close friends would -- not that many close friends have sex.

On the day that he left, I was really sad. It dawned on me that as soon as he got back to Manila, all that had happened in Cebu would probably not happen again. I didn't have my own place, and neither did he. The chances of him wanting to check in to a motel with me again seemed slim. We wouldn't be as intimate in Manila as we had been in Cebu. We would simply go back to the platonic friendship we had before the Cebu trip. Even though it was a strong friendship, and even though I would rather have that friendship then nothing at all, I still got teary because I liked sharing very intimate moments with him. The thought that we wouldn't be able to share those intimate moments again was a bit painful.

The day of his flight back home, I tried very hard not to cry in the taxi on the way to the airport. Whenever he would leave for Japan I would always cry like I was some OFW's wife who got left behind. Although he was just leaving for Manila, and although we would see each other a couple of days later, I was sad because not only was he leaving me behind, but he was also leaving behind the best time we had ever had with each other, and our times in Manila probably wouldn't be as good as they were in Cebu. I didn't want him to see me crying because I didn't want him to think I had fallen in love with him again, even though the truth was that I had never really fallen out of love with him. I only cried after we had said goodbye at the terminal gate, after he had checked in his luggage at the counter, and after he had made his way to the departure gate.

In the taxi going back to Sophia Suites, I couldn't really cry because the taxi driver was going on about how the biggest shabu bust happened in Cebu a month ago, and because one of the tires bust and I was sweating like a pig in the back of the taxi while the driver was changing the fucked up tire. When I was finally in my room, Rolly texted that he had just arrived home. What was I still doing up he asked. I just couldn't sleep I said. Hmm you're being sentimental again he replied, and that's when I cried. At least he's not numb and oblivious. He said that he missed me already, and that we would see each other soon. That was consolation enough I guess.

For a few days after, I was still kinda melancholy. All of a sudden memories of how I felt last July when Rolly first told me that he had someone else came rushing back. I remembered how devastated I was when I found out, how badly I sobbed while I was walking on the day I realized that he didn't love me as much as I loved him, how many days I went without proper sleep. I remembered that the main reason I've been sleeping around is that it helps me forget that he's having sex with other people too. Granted, sleeping around also helps me see that I am wanted by other men. All the same, I can't really deny that somehow I still think that Rolly and I still have a chance at more than what we have. Other men only help me to forget that temporarily.

Hay... I don't think I can have sex with another man for a while. I still have a lot of issues with Rolly that I need to deal with. I will just have sex again once I've resolved those issues. Of course I say that now. In a few days when I'm completely horny again I'm probably going to end up meeting one of my possible fuckers for a quickie. But that's OK. Whatever happens, happens.